“What would you tell your younger self?” is a bittersweet question for me. It makes me think back on my childhood struggle with OCD, and all the hard-learned lessons from it. Would I have changed things? Would I have done anything differently? Probably. Time and wisdom go hand in hand I suppose.
I am all too familiar with the fact that we cannot change the past, and we must come to terms with what is, rather than focusing on what was. The things I went through made me who I am today, and I’m grateful for that. That being said, maybe you’re going through similar hardships, and maybe, just maybe, something I wish I would’ve known back then could be helpful for you.
So, after thinking long and hard on this question, here are a few things I wish I would have known when OCD first started to show up in my life.
Let go of over-responsibility
Dear younger me, I wish I could have helped you release the feeling that you were responsible for everything bad in your world. I remember how those intense feelings of fear crept into your life at 5 or 6 years old, making you think that everything was your fault, and you needed to say certain prayers over and over again in exactly the “right” way. The doubts that would besiege you for years to come were just beginning to gain momentum.
If I could go back, I’d tell you that God will not hate you or punish you if you make a mistake. He will not turn away from you if you say the “wrong” thing or if you lie. You cannot be perfect in this lifetime, nor should you spend every waking moment trying to be. Trying to please everyone is a good way to feel displeased with yourself. Be who you are, and the people meant to be in your life will be there.
Thinking of you at 9 years old, I wish I could help you realize that you would never poison someone with medication, gasoline, or any other contaminant like you feared. Not even accidentally. I want to scoop you up in my older, more experienced arms and let you know that you are a good, empathetic person, and that it’s not in your nature to commit horrible acts.
But I know now that this reassurance would be futile, only providing a moment of relief before the next intrusive thought appeared.
At age 11, I would embrace you once again, but at this point in your life, I would want to convince you that you have no control over life and death. You did not “do anything” that caused your beloved Grammy to die. She had a heart attack, and you didn’t cause it, just like you didn’t cause the divorce between your parents that would follow shortly after, or the death of your Grandad later that same year.
The countless hours spent washing your hands until they bled weren’t protecting anyone like you thought, because you don’t have that kind of power. You’re just a child, and none of this was your fault.
Don’t play the “what if” game
Dear pre-teen me, I wish you could get out of your head and enjoy being in this stage of your life. You don’t need to answer every what-if that crosses your mind. Sometimes there is no answer. Oftentimes, you just need to allow yourself to feel the uncertainty and the discomfort it brings.
You have a very real, very debilitating mental health condition, even though you have no way of knowing it yet. I wish I could give you the courage to speak up about it, to tell someone what you’re going through, and to keep telling them until you get the help you need: specialized treatment, from a therapist who really understands OCD. Then you’d have a safe space to open up about all of those worries that flood your mind, and let them out before you start buying into the lies your unwanted thoughts tell you about yourself.
Remember that thinking about something doesn’t make it true or even possible. Your thoughts are no indication of who you are as a person.
And that belief that everyone hates you? It’s not only inaccurate, but it also keeps you from making new friends. Be who you are, and the people meant to be in your life will be there. You don’t need to hide your true self from others.
You cannot be perfect in this lifetime, nor should you spend every waking moment trying to be. Trying to please everyone is a good way to feel displeased with yourself.
I want you to understand your value and worth, and to know that it’s inherent. It doesn’t need to be wrapped up in what you believe other people think about you.
Letting go
Dear younger me, the most important thing I’d tell you if I could go back in time is this: Let it go. Let go of the things that weigh you down and take away your joy. These are not your burdens to carry. You can’t control everything, and that’s okay. You can feel uncertain and anxious and you can get through it. The feelings will eventually pass on their own.
You are not “crazy” or “weird” like you might think. You are you, and trust me: That’s a wonderful thing. Soon you’ll realize that for yourself.
No matter where you are in your life or how overwhelming OCD might feel, you have the power to change what comes next. Getting specialized treatment for OCD can help you feel less afraid of your thoughts and more connected to life, just like it did for Stacy.
At NOCD, all of our therapists specialize in OCD and exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most proven treatment for OCD. We’ve seen what’s possible when people get the right care and support, and if you’re struggling, we’re here to help you discover how your life can change. Book a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more.