Questioning your sexuality is a deeply personal experience, and it’s more common than you might think. If you feel alienated by traditional expectations around sex and dating, you may be wondering if you’re asexual. This question can feel overwhelming, but understanding yourself better is a journey worth taking.
People who identify as asexual typically experience little to no sexual attraction to others, but that doesn’t mean intimacy or romantic connection is off the table. For many, emotional closeness, companionship, and even physical affection can still be deeply meaningful. Those who are asexual often refer to themselves as “ace,” and the ace spectrum includes a variety of experiences and preferences.
If you’re wondering how you may fit into the ace spectrum, or why you feel the way you do, this article will seek to help you better understand.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. As with any other aspect of your identity, considering whether you’re asexual can be deeply personal, and sometimes confusing. You may wonder if the lack of sexual attraction you feel is influenced by other factors—such as stress, hormones, past experiences or mental health conditions. These are natural questions to ask, and they’re all part of the process of understanding yourself better.
Some people know that they’re asexual right away, while others need time to reflect on their experiences. No matter where you are in your journey, it’s important to approach yourself with compassion and curiosity, allowing space for your identity to take shape.
Signs to consider
While everyone’s journey with asexuality is unique, it can be helpful to review some common signs to see if they align with you:
- Feeling little to no sexual attraction: You might not experience sexual attraction toward others, regardless of their gender.
- Comfort with romantic relationships without sexual intimacy: You may enjoy emotional connections and romantic relationships, but feel no desire to engage in sexual intimacy.
- Feeling disconnected from societal expectations about sex: You might feel indifferent to or even uncomfortable with how society emphasizes sexual relationships.
- You feel repulsed by, or neutral about sex: Even with a strong emotional connection, you might feel uninterested in engaging in sexual activities. For some, sex may feel repulsive, while others might feel indifferent.
- You find sex pleasurable, but you don’t experience sexual desire: Some asexual individuals may find sex physically pleasurable, but the experience may feel more like a nice stretch than like quenching a deep lust. While these people might not feel sexual attraction, they may choose to engage in sex and masturbation.
The ace spectrum
If asexuality feels like it partially resonates with your experiences but doesn’t fully align, you’re not alone. “There’s a whole spectrum for this,” explains Dr. McGrath, chief clinical officer at NOCD. The asexuality spectrum, also known as the ace spectrum, includes a range of experiences and identities, such as:
- Demisexuality: Experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional connection with someone.
- Graysexuality: Falling somewhere in the gray area between asexuality and experiencing sexual desire.
The ace spectrum allows for a wide variety of experiences. There’s no one “right” way to define yourself, and exploring where you feel most comfortable on the spectrum is part of the journey.
Am I asexual or could it be something else?
It’s not uncommon to feel uncertain about your sexuality. Asexuality, like any identity, takes time to understand and explore. Just because you’re not feeling sexually drawn to someone at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean you’re asexual—it might reflect something else going on in your life. Read on to learn more about whether another factor might be influencing your feelings.
Low sex drive vs asexuality
Low libido is commonly confused for asexuality, but the root causes behind these experiences differ significantly. Low libido, or a decrease in sexual desire, can stem from medication side effects, past sexual trauma, and hormonal changes—such as menopause. Unlike asexuality, low libido is often tied to external or temporary factors, and addressing the root cause may shift your feelings over time.
How trauma shapes sexuality and intimacy
Past trauma can significantly impact sexual attraction and intimacy, especially when the trauma is related to past sexual experiences. “If somebody’s been sexually assaulted…a sound or smell could trigger a reminder of the trauma, causing a sudden shift from enjoying [sex] to wanting to escape it,” Dr. McGrath says. Traumatic experiences can also prevent people from feeling sexual desire at all, as the mind may associate the feeling with danger.
Understanding depression and sexual desire
It’s not uncommon for depression to lead to lower libido. While it might feel like you’re naturally disinterested, it’s important to consider whether this disconnection could be rooted in depression. Ask yourself: Do you feel disinterested in many aspects of your life, or is it only sex? Are these feelings tied to a specific period of emotional hardship? Understanding your feelings better can help guide you toward the right support.
Am I asexual, or just young?
It can take time to explore and identify your sexuality as you mature. If you think your feelings differ from your peers’, remember that it’s possible you’re still growing into your sexual identity.
Sexuality is fluid and can change over time. At one point, you might identify with a certain label, only to realize later that it no longer fits. There’s no rush to define your identity. You have time to understand yourself, and it’s okay if the process feels slow or uncertain.
OCD and sexuality: untangling the confusion
Understanding your sexual identity can feel confusing, especially when intrusive thoughts or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) play a role. OCD is a mental health condition characterized by unwanted thoughts, images, sensations or urges (obsessions) that cause significant distress. People with OCD often respond to these obsessions with repetitive behaviors or mental rituals (compulsions) aimed at neutralizing the discomfort. This cycle can make it incredibly challenging to distinguish between authentic feelings, and fears fueled by OCD.
OCD can also make it feel very uncomfortable to sit with feelings of uncertainty. “People with OCD are really good at the all-or-nothing experience,” says Dr. McGrath, explaining that this can lead to rigid interpretations of experiences. For example, someone might assume that because they don’t feel immediate attraction or desire, they must be asexual, even if OCD is driving the doubt and questioning.
What is Sexual Orientation OCD?
Sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD) is a subtype of OCD that revolves around fears and uncertainties about one’s sexual orientation. This subtype is not rooted in dislike or prejudice toward any sexual orientation, but is characterized by a relentless need to “prove” or “confirm” one’s identity. As Dr. McGrath explains, people with SO-OCD often find themselves ruminating on questions like, “What if I’m not the orientation I’ve always identified as?”
These fears can spiral into compulsive behaviors aimed at gaining certainty, such as watching pornography to check for a reaction, or repeatedly analyzing past relationships. If you have SO-OCD and are concerned with asexuality, Dr. McGrath says you might find yourself obsessing over whether you’re asexual, or whether your lack of sexual desire is caused by OCD.
Finding support
OCD and ERP therapy
If you think your understanding of your sexual orientation may be impacted by OCD, you’ll want to consider exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is an evidence-based treatment, specialized for OCD, which works by gradually exposing individuals to their fears. This process helps you reduce the power of intrusive thoughts, while teaching you to resist the urge to engage in compulsions.
For someone with SO-OCD who is questioning if they are asexual, ERP might involve engaging with individuals that are considered generally attractive and observing any thoughts or feelings that come up without trying to force a particular reaction. The goal is to sit with the uncertainty and discomfort of recognizing you may not experience strong sexual attraction to people society deems desirable. Instead of avoiding these situations or attempting to control your reactions, ERP would encourage you to sit with your feelings without judgment. ERP can play a crucial role in helping you separate intrusive thoughts from authentic feelings, offering clarity about your identity.
Other types of therapy
When it comes to treating trauma-related disorders, prolonged exposure (PE) therapy is a widely used and effective method. Similar to ERP, PE involves gradually confronting memories, situations, or triggers tied to the trauma in a safe and controlled environment.
If you think depression may be affecting your ability to explore your identity or engage in intimacy, working with a therapist trained in behavioral activation can make a significant difference. This method encourages gradually reintroducing enjoyable or fulfilling experiences to combat the cycle of avoidance and sadness.
Communities and resources
It can also be important to accessing communities and resources about asexuality. Online peer-support spaces like TrevorSpace, educational organizations such as Asexual Outreach, online resource hubs like AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) and books like ACE: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, by Angela Chen can provide helpful resources for learning more about the asexuality spectrum—and where you may fit in.
Therapists who specialize in sexuality and identity exploration can also offer support.
Embracing your journey
Sexuality is deeply personal, and there’s no rush—or requirement—to define yours, whether you’re exploring asexuality or something else. What matters most is taking the time to understand yourself, honor your feelings, and respect your unique journey. Your sexuality is exactly that: yours. Embracing it with compassion and patience is one of the best ways to cultivate a deeper connection with yourself.