Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can make you question your beliefs, behaviors, and can even lead to questioning your sanity.
The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her memory. The term has evolved to describe a broader range of manipulative behaviors aimed at undermining someone’s sense of reality.
Gaslighting is an imbalance of power and is considered a central tactic in cases of partner abuse, although it can also occur in platonic relationships. Unlike other forms of abuse like physical assault, insults, and controlling behaviors, gaslighting tends to be more discrete—making it harder for victims to recognize and even harder for others to detect.
Given how subtle gaslighting can be, it can be challenging to differentiate gaslighting from other sources of relationship distress, such as relationship anxiety or relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD). Understanding why and how it works is the first step toward regaining control, rebuilding your confidence, setting boundaries with your partner, and protecting your emotional well-being.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting involves a gradual process where someone uses tactics like lying, contradiction, and denial to undermine your sense of self and make you doubt your own thoughts, memories, or feelings. Over time, this can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
The impact of gaslighting can be deeply damaging, affecting not just your feelings but also your mental health. You may even gaslight yourself, questioning whether your feelings, perceptions, or experiences are valid. Self-doubt can make it harder to trust your own judgment, leading you to second-guess your relationship, your love for your partner, or even your partner’s feelings toward you—despite having little or no evidence to support those doubts.
What are the types of gaslighting?
According to a 2021 study on gaslighting, gaslighters can be categorized into three distinct types based on their characteristics and behavior patterns:
- Glamour gaslighter: This person uses flattery, praise, and attention to make you feel wanted and special. This might also be called “love-bombing” which involves overwhelming the victim with affection, compliments, and gestures of admiration to create a sense of dependency.
- Good-person gaslighter: This person uses their charm to appear nice, helpful, and approachable to others.
- Intimidator gaslighter: This person uses manipulation by mocking, humiliating, and devaluing you. Then, they may gaslight you by telling you “it was just a joke” or “it was a misunderstanding.”
What are signs of gaslighting?
There are many forms of gaslighting, so this isn’t a complete list. However, a person who is trying to gaslight you might:
- Dismiss and minimize your feelings and tell you that you’re overreacting, too sensitive, or crazy
- Retell events or situations in a way that makes you question your sanity
- Insist that they are right and deny that something happened in the way that you remember it
- Isolate you from your loved ones by suggesting that they are not trustworthy
- Tell others that you’re the one causing problems
- Blame you for their actions, making you feel responsible for things that are not your fault
Again, these tactics can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and self-doubting, often making it difficult to recognize the gaslighting behavior.
If you’re on the receiving side of gaslighting, you may:
- Question if you forgot or misinterpreted an event
- Feel the need to apologize all the time
- Lose confidence and feelings of self-worth
- Feel dependent on the person who is gaslighting you
- Feel alone and isolated
- Believe you are to blame after an argument
- Feel anxious, nervous, or worry when you’re around someone who is gaslighting you
- Stop doing activities or hobbies that you used to enjoy
- Make excuses or defend the person gaslighting you
- Frequently doubt yourself
- Make choices to please others rather than yourself
Why am I unable to trust myself or my partner?
Relationship anxiety
Although doubts and insecurities are normal in a relationship, relationship anxiety might have you questioning why you’re unable to trust yourself or your partner. It often leads to an ongoing cycle of overthinking, self-doubt, and uncertainty about your relationship.
In some ways, this cycle can resemble gaslighting, where you begin to doubt your instincts, memories, or perceptions—often without any solid evidence to justify your doubts. You might find yourself repeatedly seeking reassurance from your partner, overanalyzing small interactions, and asking yourself questions trying to “prove” that everything is okay.
You might find yourself asking questions like:
- “Do I really love them, or am I just afraid of being alone?”
- “Am I overreacting, or is something actually wrong in the relationship?”
- “Why can’t I trust them? Should I trust them more?”
However, it’s normal to ask questions about your relationship from time to time, especially when you’re navigating challenges or uncertainties.
“Relationship anxiety is natural,” says Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD. “We all have doubts about relationships. Even people on the day they’re getting married, sometimes still have questions like, “Am I doing the right thing?”
What is relationship OCD?
Similar to gaslighting yourself, relationship OCD (ROCD) has the ability to make you doubt and create insecurities within your relationship. A subtype of OCD, ROCD involves intrusive thoughts and fears about the relationship—whether it’s about the partner’s feelings, your own feelings, or the relationship’s future—can lead you to question the relationship’s validity.
The difference between relationship anxiety and ROCD is identifying if there are obsessions and compulsions:
ROCD obsessions
While relationship anxiety can lead to overthinking and moments of doubt, ROCD involves a persistent and overwhelming cycle of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors aimed at relieving anxiety. Someone with ROCD experiences obsessions, or recurrent and intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, sensations, or images that cause distress.
Some examples of ROCD thoughts include:
- “If I find this person attractive, does that mean I will want to leave my partner?”
- “What if I accidentally cheat on my partner?”
- “What if they cheat on me?”
- “Was I flirting with this person to test my relationship?”
ROCD compulsions
In response to obsessions, someone with ROCD responds with compulsions, or repetitive behaviors or mental acts, in an attempt to decrease anxiety or neutralize the intrusive thoughts they have about their relationship. Some examples of ROCD compulsions include:
- Taking relationship quizzes online
- Asking friends or family members for reassurance about your relationship
- Asking your partner for reassurance—specifically asking if they love you
- Checking for “signs” that you’re still attracted to your partner
ERP for relationship OCD
If you’re experiencing ROCD, exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is considered one of the most effective treatments. The evidence-based treatment is done in partnership with a trained therapist, where you’ll be carefully exposed to your triggers and intrusive thoughts, while you try to resist the urge to respond with compulsions.
Because OCD thrives in the need for certainty, you may feel compelled to ask your partner questions like, “Do you really love me?” or “Are you sure we’re right for each other?” In this case, ERP can look like deliberately staying and sitting with the uncertainty and allowing yourself to be okay with not knowing whether your partner is “the one” or “right for you.”
“It’s important to eliminate reassurance seeking, to live with doubts, insecurities, and uncertainties about something,” McGrath says. “It doesn’t mean that you have to be in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. It just means that if you find yourself having doubts and then having to do compulsive behaviors over and over again, we want you to work on not doing the compulsions.”
Gaslighting examples
ROCD usually occurs internally, involving obsessive, intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors centered around doubt and uncertainty about the relationship. Unlike gaslighting, these doubts are self-generated and are not caused by another person deliberately manipulating another person.
On the other hand, gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation often perpetrated by another person—used to maintain power and control.
Some examples of gaslighting in a relationship include:
- Denial of facts or events: Your partner might make you second guess your memory, even if you remember an event or conversation clearly.
- “I never said that.”
- “No, you didn’t tell me that. I would have remembered.”
- Lying about the truth: Your partner deliberately changes details about an event to make it seem like you don’t remember what happened or make you irrational.
- “I don’t know why you’re upset because that didn’t happen. This is what actually happened.”
- “You’re lying. It never happened like that.”
- Isolating you from your loved ones: Your partner might tell you not to trust people around you, so you can become dependent on them.
- “You can’t trust anyone but me.”
- “Your friends are just jealous of our relationship.”
- Minimizing and undermining your feelings: Your partner might make you feel like you’re overreacting about an event or conversation—even if you have the right to feel upset.
- “You’re being extremely sensitive.”
- “I was just joking. Why are you taking everything so seriously?”
- Blaming or flipping the situation on you: Your partner might blame you for their mistakes or behaviors.
- “If you didn’t do that, then I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”
- “Why is everything so complicated with you?”
How to seek help
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize, but once you’ve identified that it’s happening, there are several ways you can seek help and begin to protect yourself:
- Set clear boundaries with your partner. This can look like saying, “Maybe we remember things differently, let’s move on” or “We can continue this conversation if you’re not going to yell.” Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it’s an important step in maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Seek professional support. A therapist or counselor can help you understand the effects of gaslighting and provide tools for coping with the emotional and psychological impact.
- Reach out to loved ones. You may find yourself completely isolated as a result of being gaslit. Talking to someone outside of the relationship can provide some clarity and guidance.
- Consider your safety: Most importantly, if you feel like you are in a physically or emotionally unsafe situation, it’s important to reach out to someone you trust or a domestic abuse hotline.
Bottom line
You deserve to feel secure, heard, and respected in your relationships. Gaslighting can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and unsure of yourself, but you don’t have to navigate this alone. Connecting with a therapist can help you recognize the signs of gaslighting—whether it’s happening in your relationship or within your own thoughts.