Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. It’s just human nature. It’s also the reason why we often turn to the people in our lives for validation, approval, or reassurance. But if you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you’ll want to keep in mind that seeking validation can become compulsive and even harmful.
For people with OCD, the search for validation and reassurance can lead to a vicious cycle of anxiety and compulsions, reinforcing the belief that they’re unable to tolerate the discomfort they’re feeling. If this behavior isn’t managed, it can result in exacerbated OCD symptoms and strained relationships.
But the good news is that it can be managed—so let’s take a closer look at this behavior and see what you can do if you think OCD might be causing you to seek validation, approval, or reassurance.
The link between OCD and seeking validation
Living with untreated OCD can feel like being trapped in a constant state of uncertainty and doubt. This doubt can seep into every area of your life, making you question everything around you and even yourself. Because of this, people with OCD may find it difficult to trust their own judgment or feel “sure enough” about things.
If they feel there is even the slightest chance that the fear- and dread-inducing scenarios in their intrusive thoughts could be possible, people with OCD can end up desperately searching for a way to shake off the “what-ifs.” And if they’re having doubts about their own opinions and beliefs, they can end up leaning heavily on the input of others, often those who are closest to them.
They might catch themselves asking questions like:
- “Are you sure I didn’t say anything inappropriate during that meeting?”
- “What if I just thought about driving off this bridge? Do you think I would?”
- “Do you think my partner and I are good together? Sometimes I feel like they’re not ‘the one.’”
This constant need for validation can take a heavy toll on both the person with OCD and their loved ones. In those anxiety-filled moments, the desperation for an answer or a sense of certainty might be the only thing that the individual with OCD is aware of. This can drive them to seek comfort from others, hoping that someone else can somehow calm their emotions and make them feel safe.
Even if someone is aware that their doubts and concerns are probably OCD talking, it can still be difficult to resist the validation- or reassurance-seeking urge. And here’s the worst part: Reassurance and validation make people with OCD feel less assured in the long run.
How self-doubt and hyper-responsibility can play a role
Another factor that can come into play with OCD-related validation-seeking is the desire for social acceptance. While it’s natural to want to be liked and accepted, OCD can twist this desire into something problematic. People with OCD can end up engaging in validation-seeking behaviors as a way of trying to ensure that they’re “okay,” that they haven’t made a mistake, or that others approve of them.
This may be due in part to the fact that OCD is such an isolating disorder. People struggling with untreated OCD often report intense feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which can erode their confidence in their own decisions and choices, and may cause them to rely more heavily on others’ opinions.
Validation- and reassurance-seeking can also be influenced by hyper-responsibility, another trait that people with OCD may experience. For those struggling with a sense of hyper-responsibility, the fear of making a mistake can feel paralyzing, causing them to feel responsible not just for their own well-being, but for everyone around them. Getting validation about the decisions they make can be an attempt to decrease anxiety and feel more confident in their choices.
Why validation and reassurance only provide temporary relief
The mental anguish and suffering that OCD can inflict is often so immense that even if someone is aware that the relief from validation or reassurance is only temporary, they may still choose to do the compulsion just to feel some relief, even though any relief they feel from reassurance will be short-lived.
I want to stress this because I think it’s an important part of understanding why so many people with OCD struggle with this behavior. In the moment that you’re having those thoughts and feelings, it can feel so terrifyingly real. You’re left grasping for any sense of control or anxiety management you can find.
And since it’s natural for loved ones to want to validate or reassure us when we ask for it, they can seem like a good place to turn. The people in your life care about you and probably hate to watch you struggle, so if reassurance seems like it might alleviate your distress, the temptation for them to provide it can be strong.
However, despite these good intentions, providing reassurance only strengthens the cycle. The more reassurance you receive, the more you may come to believe that you need reassurance to cope with uncertainty and anxiety. This can also end up reinforcing the belief that your intrusive thoughts are as urgent or threatening as OCD can try to make them seem.
How to break the validation-seeking pattern
The most effective way to break free from this cycle is through exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a specialized form of therapy that was designed specifically to treat OCD. The basis of ERP therapy is that allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable feelings without seeking validation or reassurance is the key to taking the power away from OCD.
When you compulsively seek reassurance or validation, you’re only reinforcing the belief that you can’t tolerate any amount of uncertainty, which makes the distress and the urge to seek reassurance stronger over time. On the flip side, when you resist engaging in this compulsion like you’ll practice in ERP, you’re teaching yourself a new way to respond to unwanted thoughts and anxieties. With time, this can lead to a significant reduction in the distress you feel.
ERP is most effective when it’s done under the guidance of a therapist who specializes in OCD and has received ERP-specific training, like our therapists at NOCD. All of our therapists deeply understand OCD and receive ongoing guidance from our clinical leadership team to ensure you’re getting the highest quality care. We also provide always-on support between therapy sessions through peer communities, OCD therapy tools, free support groups, and more.
Remember that with the right treatment and support, you can learn to tolerate uncertainty and break free from the cycle of constant reassurance-seeking.