If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Dillon Tucker’s struggle will be a familiar one: He went to talk therapy when he started experiencing disturbing intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions, but he wasn’t getting better. After about a year (a quicker turnaround than most, he notes), he learned that he was experiencing OCD and needed specialized treatment. Filmmaker Dillon Tucker talks Pure O—a film about the truth of OCD
Coming out on the other side of OCD recovery, Tucker was driven to shed light on the misunderstood illness he had endured and help others like him feel less alone. He made a film called Pure O, in reference to “pure obsessional” OCD, a term for OCD that manifests with mental compulsions rather than physical ones. Tucker’s film tells the story of Cooper, who is based on Tucker himself, as he moves through diagnosis, treatment, and recovery.
It’s a personal, highly moving story, from the mind of a filmmaker who understands the “Pure O” struggle as well as anyone. Tucker sat down with us to talk all things OCD, and what it was like to create a movie about his experiences.
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NOCD: When did you realize that you had OCD—and what was getting to that point like for you?
Tucker: I was in talk therapy and it was exacerbating my symptoms. I had gotten into talk therapy because I thought that I was suicidal, but it turns out that it was harm OCD. I didn’t really know what that meant because I thought of OCD as turning light switches on and off and stepping over cracks and things like that. And then my therapist put me into specialized treatment. I Googled “pure O” and found a Wikipedia page and I remember my face just dropping, and in my heart of hearts being like, Oh my god, everything I just read is where I’ve been for the last year.
So that was the moment that I really unlocked it, and then as anybody with OCD knows, that’s just the beginning of the journey.
NOCD: Totally, 100%. So after you overcame OCD, what was the catalyst for ultimately making this film?
Tucker: I know that for most people, it’s like 14 years, on average, before they even unlock that they have OCD. My journey was probably a little over a year of not knowing what I was going through, seeking talk therapy, and changing to a couple of different therapists. I felt lucky, and it was a big impetus for making the film. That was another moment of my face dropping where I was like, I truly can’t imagine living with that for 14 years.
I also wanted to show people who are suffering that not only can you get better, but you can accomplish dreams—do things like get a feature film made and tell your story. I don’t always write autobiographical plays, but this was just something that I felt I needed to put into the world.
NOCD: In the film, we see Cooper—the movie’s main character—go through group therapy. Was community support helpful for you?
Tucker: Yeah. My therapist let me know that group therapy could help because with a late onset, you’re not just dealing with the disease, but you’re often also dealing with this identity hit. When you’re an adult, you’ve already sort of solidified your worldview.
Looking back on it, I needed to have access to other people with OCD because I definitely thought, ‘Oh, man, this is lifelong. This is not curable. I have no idea if the last year is any indication of what my future holds. I don’t know how I can do this.’ And so it was really important for me to be around people who’ve managed it for a really long time, showing me that not only could I get through it and survive, but thrive.
NOCD: This film is such a candid, accurate depiction of OCD. What was the process of bringing that realism to the screen?
Tucker: I knew that I wanted to make this film hyper-realistic, and to combat making light of OCD—which is the typical mainstream media depiction—by setting it in a very real world. And so part of the process was to empower my actors to bring as much of themselves to the story as possible. I put the words on the page, and I wrote it with specifics from my own experience, but then I gathered a cast of some people, including me, who actually had OCD.
So the actual creation of it became less about me and my story, and more about a collective—helping other people. And, you know, that’s the only way that we’re going to de-stigmatize a lot of this stuff: getting people to help other people, being vulnerable with one another, and allowing other people to be vulnerable back. So I decided to put my money where my mouth is and start the conversation by being vulnerable, telling my story, and putting it into the world.
NOCD: In the film, we watch as Cooper’s partner goes through this experience with him. How did that mirror your own OCD journey?
Dillon: It’s hard because my OCD specifically attacks my relationships with loved ones more than anything else—like reassurance-seeking. When you’re in a state of distress in your own mind, you want to go to the people you love to make you feel safe, and to make you feel like everything’s gonna be okay. So it’s a team effort, like any long term relationship, right? In relationships impacted by this journey, there need to be two people who are willing to engage.
I highlighted this book in the film: When a Family Member Has OCD, by Jon Hirschfield, MFT. It’s one of the best books that I’ve found because it speaks in layman’s terms. It’s helped my family and my partner a lot along my path to beating OCD.
NOCD: We see Cooper experiencing and processing so much shame throughout the film. Of course, shame is especially prevalent among more taboo OCD themes, such as harm. Do you have any advice for someone earlier in their OCD recovery journey about shame and how to move through it?
Dillon: Oh, man, shame is a huge component of OCD. It’s something I still struggle with. What I’d say is, I know. I understand what you’re going through. And I know that you’re also acutely aware of what’s happening, as it’s happening. It’s like watching a trainwreck when you’re the conductor, and you’re able to see it but just can’t do anything. That’s how OCD feels to me when it’s happening.
I would also say that you are not your illness. To combat the shame, it was incredibly helpful to give my disease a name. I call mine Oscar. To personify it was a helpful step for me, because it helped me realize that what I was going through wasn’t actually my personality. OCD is ego-dystonic—meaning that it doesn’t actually align with who you are. You are not your thoughts. And also, all of your thoughts are human thoughts. It’s all about your reaction and relationship to those thoughts.
If you have harm OCD, and you’re having thoughts about hurting yourself or your partner, the distinction I learned from my therapist was that if those thoughts are causing you anxiety, that’s incredibly normal. If those thoughts are bringing you joy, that’s a different thing. And knowing this can help with the shame. But the truth of it is that you will most likely experience shame with this disease. Hopefully, like I’ve experienced myself, it’ll just become less and less and less over time.
NOCD: The last thing I want to know is what you hope that someone with OCD—and someone without OCD—takes from the film?
Dillon: I hope they both take away that we all need the help of other people. It’s amazing how far the understanding of others can go with most things in life. Dealing with any mental health illness makes you feel really isolated. I think that having somebody peek through the window and say, ‘I see you,’ is really valuable.
Rent Pure O on Amazon, Apple TV, Google Play, or Spectrum.