Boundaries aren’t just about learning to say no—they’re the guidelines we establish to protect our well-being. You’ll encounter boundaries in every relationship, whether it’s asking your partner for alone time, setting clear limits with family about personal space, or discussing workload and expectations with coworkers.
Setting boundaries can be a great way to protect your emotional well-being, maintain healthy relationships, and reduce stress. But, it’s important to understand the difference between boundary-setting, and trying to control those around you. In some cases, this tendency can be a sign of a deeper issue, such as a mental health condition. Setting boundaries should help to create a balanced and respectful dynamic where both parties feel valued and understood.
Read on to learn more about what healthy boundaries are, and how to successfully establish them in your relationships.
What are healthy relationship boundaries?
Healthy relationship boundaries should serve to help you better participate in your relationships, on terms that make sense for you. They can play a key part in ensuring you feel respected in your relationships, that other people know what to expect from you, and that your mental wellbeing and sense of self remain intact.
A key step to setting boundaries is identifying what you want in a relationship. This might require asking yourself: What are my needs, both emotionally and physically? What do I expect from the people in my life? How much alone time do I need? Once you’ve figured out what’s important to you, you’ll be better able to set boundaries accordingly. According to NOCD therapist, Tracie Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, healthy boundaries should ensure that your “personal values for being in a relationship are upheld by the other person.”
When thinking about healthy boundary-setting, keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Your boundaries might look different in different types of relationships. What works for one person also might not work for another.
Finally, it may take time for the people in your life to adjust their behaviors, and it’s okay if your boundaries shift over time based on changing needs. The most important thing is that you communicate through any changes.
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries typically address needs around personal space, touch, public displays of affection, and other types of physical intimacy. Everyone has different levels of tolerance when it comes to physical contact or proximity. Setting boundaries based on what helps you feel comfortable can foster a greater level of safety and respect in your relationships. Here are some examples of what physical boundary-setting might sound like:
- “I don’t feel comfortable kissing in public, but I’m comfortable holding hands.”
- “I prefer to keep my bedroom off-limits to guests.”
- “I prefer handshakes to hugs.”
- “I love hanging out with you, but I’m often not in the mood to spend time together right after a long day. I’d appreciate some space to be alone, immediately after work.”
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries help you set guidelines for your emotional well-being. This might involve reconsidering the emotional labor you invest in a given relationship, or knowing when to step back from situations or people that drain your energy.
Setting emotional boundaries can be an important step for prioritizing your mental health. A 2023 study found that people who set clear expectations and boundaries, tend to have higher self-esteem. These individuals were also found to experience greater social support, demonstrating that boundary-setting can ultimately help us feel closer to those around us.
Here are some examples of what emotional boundaries might sound like:
- “Actually, I’m not in the right headspace to hear about this topic. Is it okay if we talk about it at a different time?”
- “In general, I prefer to have more serious conversations earlier in the evening—not right before bed.”
- “I’m lacking capacity to emotionally support you right now because I’m going through a lot, myself.”
- “I need to take some time to myself right now to emotionally regulate. It’s nothing personal.”
Sexual boundaries
Boundaries surrounding intimacy are crucial for comfort and trust in a sexual relationship. These boundaries ensure that both partners feel respected, safe, and valued. However, setting boundaries around intimacy isn’t a one-time conversation—it’s an ongoing process. As you both grow and evolve, so too will your needs, preferences, and limits.
Sexual boundary-setting doesn’t just have to look like saying no. It can also be a way to express what you’re interested in, and communicate evolving preferences.
Here are some examples of what sexual boundaries might sound like:
- “I want us to always check in with each other before trying something new sexually. If I say no, I need that to be respected.”
- “I’m becoming more comfortable with public displays of affection.”
- “I prefer to keep the lights dimmed when we undress.”
- “I’m not comfortable having unprotected sex.”
Financial boundaries
Financial, or material, boundaries can involve your personal finances and belongings—such as your clothing, car, or home. Setting boundaries in this area may require you to consider financial compatibility, or how you feel about allowing someone to use or borrow your items—and under what circumstances. Setting clear boundaries is important for preventing feelings of resentment or violation.
Here are some examples of what financial boundaries might look like:
- “I don’t feel comfortable loaning money to friends and family.”
- “You can borrow my car but I expect the gas to have a full tank when you return it.”
- “I’d like to split the bill so everyone covers their own share.”
- “I’m seeking a partnership where we can eventually create a shared savings account, but I’m ultimately interested in maintaining my own separate account, too.”
Unhealthy relationship boundaries
“Having no boundaries in a relationship is unhealthy,” Ibrahim says. Relationships that lack boundaries may cause you to feel resentful toward others, as unspoken repeated violations accumulate over time. Prioritizing other people’s needs over your own can also lead to burnout.
At the same time, having boundaries that are too rigid can also be problematic. If you find yourself setting boundaries that seem especially hard for someone else to adhere to, it may be worth considering potential causes behind this behavior.
Fear of intimacy
Sometimes, we set extreme boundaries out of a fear of intimacy or rejection. Very rigid boundaries might be serving to keep your loved ones at a distance—both physically and emotionally. If you find yourself generally avoiding emotional closeness, struggling with physical intimacy and/or sex, or sabotaging your relationships, you may be dealing with a fear of intimacy.
For some people, it can feel easier to keep loved ones away through rigid boundaries than to risk rejection. Remember, however, that boundary-setting is meant to ultimately foster good communication and strengthen our relationships—not aid in avoidance.
Desire for control
If you find yourself insisting on boundaries that don’t allow for any flexibility, it may be worth considering whether you are trying to control others. This behavior can be a manifestation of desire for security and certainty in your relationship. “Control is something people typically do when they are insecure,” Ibrahim says. However, trying to control someone else can be both harmful and impossible to achieve.
A controlling approach will also often result in you crossing another person’s boundaries, Ibrahim explains. She reminds us that healthy boundaries should “include respecting your partner’s values in the relationship as well.”
Unhealthy boundaries and OCD
It’s not uncommon for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) to struggle with boundary-setting. OCD is a chronic mental health condition, characterized by obsessions, which typically take the form of recurrent intrusive thoughts, feelings, images, sensations, and urges. In response to obsessions, someone with OCD will enact compulsions—repetitive behaviors or mental acts done in an attempt to decrease anxiety. Both obsessions and compulsions can have an impact on boundary-setting.
If you have OCD, you may have trouble setting boundaries at all due to intrusive thoughts or feelings that make you feel like you’re responsible for other people’s reactions and feelings. You might struggle to say “no” to people—even when others’ needs conflict with your own.
People navigating harm OCD, a subtype of OCD characterized by intrusive thoughts about hurting yourself or others, may be more likely to draw boundaries that create significant distance with loved ones—out of a misplaced fear of harming those around them. Similarly, someone with contamination OCD, a subtype characterized by fear of germs, dirt, or “contaminated” environments, may draw more extreme boundaries around sharing intimate physical space in an attempt to avoid germs.
Finally, relationship OCD (ROCD), a subtype of OCD related to personal relationships, can also play a role in boundary-setting. If you’re dealing with ROCD, you may frequently doubt your partner, worry about infidelity, question the future, or feel anxious about making mistakes in the relationship. Although it’s common to experience doubt and uncertainty in your relationships from time to time, if these thoughts are recurring and unwanted, they could be a sign of ROCD.
ROCD can significantly impact how you approach boundary-setting. For example, if your obsessions center on infidelity, you may find yourself trying to set rigid boundaries around the time your partner spends with other people, or the frequency with which they’re expected to check in with you.
“ROCD doesn’t necessarily make someone controlling,” Ibrahim says. “However, compulsive behaviors can become boundary violations for your partner.”
ROCD is different from relationship anxiety, and it goes beyond persistent intrusive thoughts. An ROCD diagnosis requires obsessions and compulsions to take up to an hour or more per day, cause significant distress, and interfere with your ability to function.
Treatment for OCD
If you think OCD may be impacting the way you navigate boundary-setting in relationships, it’s worth considering exposure and response therapy (ERP). ERP is an evidence-based form of therapy, specialized for OCD, which involves carefully confronting your triggers while resisting the urge to do compulsions in response.
For someone struggling with boundary-setting and OCD, ERP might involve working with a therapist on:
- Sitting with the discomfort of saying “no” to a loved one, despite fears about others’ feelings. You might begin with smaller, less serious-feeling requests from loved ones, and work up from there.
- Resisting the urge to check in on your partner when they’re out with friends. Your therapist might have you set a timer for an hour, during which you would practice not looking at your phone at all while your partner is out of the house.
- Slowly trying out increased physical intimacy with a loved one, one step at a time. You might begin by lying side by side in bed, fully clothed, and progress from there.
- Gradually increasing your comfort level with strangers entering your home, perhaps by bringing in outside objects, to start.
ERP isn’t easy, but by working with a trained therapist on gradual exposure, you can find relief from your intrusive thoughts, and the need to immediately act on them.
Bottom line
Boundaries apply to all areas of life, from friendships to family dynamics, and work relationships. Although boundary-setting can take practice—and may be especially difficult for those of us navigating mental health conditions—it’s a crucial act of self-care. By approaching boundary enforcement with understanding, clear communication, and a willingness to adjust as needed, you can work toward healthier, more supportive relationships.