Relationships play a significant role in our lives, whether they are romantic, platonic, professional, or familial, but they’re not always healthy. Recognizing the signs of unhealthy relationships is crucial, as it can help us identify issues that affect our mental or emotional well-being. But how can we determine if a relationship has become toxic or harmful?
While the term “toxic relationship” has become mainstream, it isn’t a medically recognized phrase. It’s a colloquial term, used to refer to a variety of unhealthy relationship types—from explicitly abusive relationships to situations in which both parties may be unknowingly contributing to a negative dynamic.
By understanding the characteristics of toxic relationships and learning how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, you can take important steps toward improving both the quality of your relationships and your overall well-being.
What is a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships often refer to relationships in which one or both parties experience frequent negative emotions as a result of behaviors in the relationship. Someone in a toxic relationship may feel frequently disrespected, insecure, criticized, confused, or jealous.
Unhealthy relationships can take many forms. While abusive relationships are typically considered toxic, abuse does not have to be present in your relationship for a toxic dynamic to emerge. In fact, unhealthy relationships can develop in situations where neither person is intending harm, or where both people are contributing to a toxic dynamic.
“Anything that’s causing undue stress for either or both partners can be a toxic relationship,” explains NOCD therapist Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST. “However, this looks different in every relationship.”
If you’re in a toxic relationship, it may be difficult to identify—especially if you’ve been navigating an unhealthy dynamic for a while. Common signs and symptoms of a toxic relationship can include gaslighting, cheating, excessive codependency, competitiveness, boundary violations, or frequent negative behaviors—such as critical remarks and complaining. A lack of self-awareness can also contribute; when you aren’t able to identify the impact of your behavior on others, it can be easier to slip into a toxic dynamic. These tendencies can sometimes be signs of larger mental health conditions.
What causes toxic behavior?
Unhealthy relationship dynamics can emerge from a range of factors. Sometimes, people simply struggle to find a mutually healthy approach due to different expectations around communication, core values, or boundaries. Other times, difficulty coping with personal life circumstances—such as loss, addiction, or financial struggles—can end up impacting a relationship in unhealthy ways. In some cases, it may be worth considering deeper root causes.
Attachment issues
Attachment theory refers to how you approach your relationships and social boundaries. These approaches, or “styles,” are thought to develop in response to our earliest experiences of care. For example, if you grew up in a household where you rarely felt secure having your needs met, you may be more likely to develop an anxious attachment style—which might in turn lead you to seek constant reassurance in your relationships.
Past trauma
Similar to how early childhood experiences can impact attachment styles (and current relationships), past negative experiences can also impact how we approach interpersonal dynamics. For example, if you’ve experienced cheating in past relationships, you may be more likely to distrust current partners, regardless of their behavior.
Mental health issues
Mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can impact our approach to relationships. People navigating severe depression may be more likely to respond negatively toward family members and friends, for example. Personality disorders, such as narcissism, can also impact relationship dynamics negatively.
Toxic relationships and OCD
OCD can have a significant impact on relationships. OCD is a complex mental health condition, in which people experience intrusive thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations, or images that become obsessions. These obsessions then fuel compulsions—repetitive physical behaviors or mental rituals that seek to soothe the discomfort brought on by the intrusive experiences. Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of OCD, characterized by obsessions and compulsions centered on close, personal relationships. While ROCD can look like relationship anxiety, it is a more complex condition that can be very disruptive if it’s not treated.
If you are navigating ROCD, you might experience frequent intrusive thoughts about whether or not your partner really cares about you. This could lead you to compulsively “test” your partner’s feelings by openly flirting with other people in front of them.
ROCD can also make people more likely to accept toxic behavior from others. For example, if you struggle with intrusive thoughts that make you feel like you’re responsible for other people’s reactions, you may be more likely to put up with negative behavior from a partner or family member.
While ROCD can cause people to behave in ways that can create or exacerbate toxic dynamics, it’s important to note that having ROCD doesn’t automatically mean that your relationships are toxic. “Having ROCD doesn’t do anything in particular that makes you a good or bad partner,” Zinman-Ibrahim says. “You just have OCD symptoms.”
ROCD can also lead people to unhealthily ruminate on the status of their relationship. You may constantly ask yourself: What if I’m a bad person? What if my relationship is toxic? What if I’m staying in a toxic relationship and I don’t know? These repetitive doubts can make it difficult to trust your own feelings and judgments. “A lot of people with ROCD are googling, trying to find out if they’re a bad partner,” Zinman-Ibrahim says.
These intrusive thoughts can cause significant distress, but it’s important to remember that experiencing these doubts doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that your relationships are unhealthy.
How to fix a toxic dynamic
When seeking help for an unhealthy interpersonal dynamic, you’ll want to consider the individual factors at play in your relationship, rather than deferring to one-size-fits-all advice.
Consider ERP therapy
If you’re navigating a mental health condition, seeking help from a specialized mental health professional can be a crucial first step toward improving your relationships. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is an evidence-based treatment specialized for OCD, and it’s also recommended for anxiety disorders. ERP therapy helps you slowly confront your fears, while resisting the urge to immediately react. For someone with ROCD, this might take the form of:
- Gradually learning to resist the urge to ask for reassurance from a loved one. In the safety of a therapy session, you might practice saying “I love you,” without hearing it back, until you feel more comfortable sitting with the discomfort this reality would bring.
- Slowly introducing situations or people that may trigger intrusive thoughts. If spending time at a bar with your partner makes you feel anxious that they’ll cheat on you, your therapist might first have you and your partner practice going to a much smaller group gathering.
- Unlearning people-pleasing behaviors over time. If ROCD causes you to over-apologize and forgo your own needs in favor of your partner’s, your therapist might work with you to practice asserting your needs via “I” statements—first within the safety of a therapy session.
Reaffirm boundaries
Establishing healthy relationship boundaries can be an important first step toward healing a toxic relationship. If you haven’t communicated with your partner previously about your needs, a collaborative discussion may help to reset the dynamic. Consider how often you’d like space to yourself, what cadence of communication feels comfortable for you, and whether you need to reassess any boundaries around physical touch. Remember that these discussions should involve both people’s values and desires.
Call on your support system
Unhealthy relationships can isolate us from our communities, but reaching out to trusted loved ones is a great way to gain outside perspective on your situation, and access care. Sometimes other people are able to help us identify behaviors that we might not otherwise notice. Navigating unhealthy relationship dynamics can also be emotionally exhausting, so leaning on your support system can be key.
The key takeaway
It can be hard to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship when you’re in the midst of an unhealthy dynamic. However, recognizing the signs of toxic behaviors—and understanding potential contributing factors—can help you gain clarity and protect your emotional well-being. Mental health conditions, like OCD, can have a significant impact on relationships, so don’t be afraid to consider professional help. In time, with the right support, you can heal from toxic relationships.