If your partner ever loads the dishwasher in a way that makes you momentarily question what you ever saw in them, congratulations—you’ve experienced a hallmark of long-term love. But if seeing glasses sideways on the bottom rack leads you to ruminate excessively about their love for you (despite you knowing, deep down, that they love you), seek reassurance over the “rightness” of the relationship (though you logically understand that a misplaced dish isn’t breakup territory), or experience other irrational doubts, you might be dealing with relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD).
In a romantic context, ROCD is an OCD subtype in which a person experiences irrational, intrusive doubt about their relationship and/or partner. Over 50% of people with OCD identify with this subtype. These intrusions and obsessional doubts add extra stress to the already-complex landscape of partnership, but they don’t have to shape your love life. You can experience frustration over things like household chores, communication styles, and sex, and address them without letting OCD fears and compulsions take over. In other words, you can have ROCD and still work through real issues in your relationship.
How ROCD can impact your relationship
If you have ROCD, minor conflicts and everyday interactions may frequently result in distressing intrusive thoughts and doubts about whether you’re truly meant to be with your partner, whether they still love you, whether or not they’re “right” for you, and more. While you know on some level that the doubts are irrational, you might find yourself constantly and repetitively wondering:
- What if we’re fundamentally incompatible?
- What if I’m not “meant to be” with them?
- What if we aren’t intimate “enough?”
- Are we as happy together as the other couples we know?
- Are they “the one” for me?
In response, you might attempt to “solve” obsessions and ward off anxiety through compulsions like:
- Comparing your partner to other people
- Seeking reassurance from your partner
- Taking relationship quizzes online
- Consistently analyzing your feelings about your partner
- Ruminating about how “right” your partner is for you
- Scrolling through social media to compare your relationship to couples online
- Staring at your partner to try to “make sure” you’re attracted to them
As with all compulsions, these behaviors create more confusion and bring you further out of reality.
Even when things appear to be going fine between you and your partner on the outside, you may feel trapped in a cycle of sticky-feeling worries and time-consuming attempts to quiet those fears. So how can you know when ROCD is sabotaging your relationship and when there’s a real concern worth addressing? To better understand, let’s explore exactly how ROCD shows up when issues surface.
ROCD convinces you that you need to test your partner on your needs
While dignity and respect should always be a given, the specifics of what makes you feel loved in every situation probably aren’t immediately obvious, even to someone who cares about you deeply. That’s why one of the most common pieces of relationship advice is to set both yourself and your partner up for success by clearly communicating what you need.
But while making your partner guess your wants and needs is terrible for the stability and health of your relationship, it’s great for helping OCD flourish. ROCD may convince you that the only way to know if you and your partner truly belong together is to see if they’re able to figure out what you want and accomplish it perfectly, without you ever having told them. If your partner happens to “pass” these “tests,” it can feel like a relief, especially because pop culture likes to present a version of love in which people just know all the right moves to make. But in reality, people are not mind readers. It is likely that your partner won’t know exactly what you need all of the time, without you expressing it. These tests may feel exhausting and frustrating for your partner, and leave you feeling hurt when they eventually guess wrong and fail the “test.”
Contrary to ROCD’s logic, having to communicate your needs to a partner does not automatically equal your partner being wrong for you. Communication is a key to all healthy relationships.
ROCD may distort real issues
One of the trickiest things about ROCD, a pathological doubting disorder, is that all relationships involve conflict. The concern that you have about your relationship dynamic or your partner’s behavior might be one that’s truly worth talking about and your perspective on or reaction to that issue might still be influenced by your ROCD.
Conflict and differences are a part of every relationship and can exist alongside ROCD, and OCD might weaponize such conflict as justification for an obsessional doubt when the doubt is not rooted in reality. This could mean that in response to a hurtful comment from your partner, one that they’ve apologized and taken accountability for, you begin ruminating about whether or not they ever really loved you. It could mean that your OCD uses your genuine wish for your partner to help more around the house as “evidence” of your relationship being doomed. It might mean that any kind of mismatch, such as mismatched libidos, is automatically taken as evidence of this being the wrong relationship.
ROCD likes to live in extremes
ROCD may have you think in extremes, whether that’s veering toward the most dramatic and damning possible interpretation of an issue (“they loaded the dishwasher wrong because they don’t respect, love, or care about me enough to listen when I explain how to do it right”), or veering toward the most extreme possible solution (a breakup). Instead of figuring out how best to raise an area of concern with your partner, ROCD may fill your head with the obsessive thought that your negative feelings mean that you shouldn’t be together and must urgently break up.
ROCD compulsions vs. important conversations
If you have ROCD, you might get in the habit of telling yourself that your feelings about a problem are all in your head and actually just a manifestation of your OCD. You may worry that anything you’d like to change in a relationship means that what ROCD tells you is true, and subsequently ignore real issues. You may worry that by addressing an issue, you’re just performing a compulsion. This dynamic makes it difficult to work through problems together, or ask your partner(s) to consider their role in hurtful or troubling situations.
Not every issue in a relationship is ROCD, and not every doubt in a relationship is rooted in reality. A therapist who specializes in OCD can help you learn to differentiate through better understanding how OCD works, by engaging in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most effective form of treatment for OCD. If you have ROCD, a therapist may have you practice:
- Communicating about your needs without ruminating about what that means about your relationship
- Addressing a relational issue without using it out of context as justification for an obsessional doubt
- Scrolling through social media without comparing Instagram couples to your own relationship
- Staying rooted in reality (what is happening in the relationship) as opposed to following irrational (what ifs)
Ultimately, they can help you understand that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, or a secret right answer to whether you and your partner should be together. Having ROCD also doesn’t mean that the frustration you might feel in your relationship is inherently irrational, or that you can’t bring it up without perpetuating your OCD. A hurtful comment or unsatisfactory dynamic can and should lead to an important and productive conversation between you and your partner. You deserve to be treated well. By learning how to tell the difference between the concerns ROCD wants you to have about your relationship, and the things that truly matter to you, you can identify and work through relationship issues.
