Relationships are challenging enough on their own, but when obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) enters the picture, navigating the ups and downs becomes even more complex. As one NOCD community member put it, “A romantic relationship is such a beautiful thing, and it’s the one thing you wish OCD wouldn’t touch.” Yet, Stacy Quick, LPC—an OCD specialist who lives with OCD herself—reminds us, “Plenty of people with OCD are in happy, successful relationships. Having the condition doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.”
Whether you’re personally affected by OCD or you’re in a relationship with someone who is, understanding how OCD impacts your connections is vital. In this article, we’ll look at the various ways OCD can affect relationships and offer expert advice on how to manage those challenges.
5 ways OCD can affect relationships
1. Isolation
OCD can often make you feel like you’re withdrawing from your partner. This isn’t uncommon–research shows that many people with OCD experience embarrassment surrounding their intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, which can lead to emotional distance. As a result, you may avoid situations or even create physical space between you and your loved one. This can make the relationship feel strained.
“Lack of communication can lead to distance and feelings of separateness rather than connection,” says Patrick McGrath, PhD, NOCD’s Chief Clinical Officer.
2. Lack of spontaneity and adventure
OCD tends to narrow the world of its sufferers, often making certain activities or events off-limits during a flare-up. For example, a crowded music festival might seem overwhelming for someone with Contamination OCD. These restrictions can leave your partner feeling as if they’re missing out on shared experiences.
“If [your partner] doesn’t fully understand OCD, they might feel confused, and say things like, ‘Why can’t you just move past this?’ or ‘Can’t you just not think about the germs?’ which can then lead you to feel misunderstood,” notes Dr. McGrath.
3. Challenges with intimacy
OCD can make intimacy difficult, especially when intrusive thoughts invade at the most inopportune moments. Decreased libido, often due to heightened anxiety or medication side effects, can complicate physical closeness. Partners may misinterpret this as disinterest, leading to hurt feelings and a rift in the relationship.
4. Excessive doubt
A hallmark of OCD is the constant seeking of reassurance—especially from the people closest to you—especially given how much doubt is experienced by people with OCD.
Repeatedly asking your partner for reassurance can be draining for them—even when your doubt is unrelated to your relationship. For instance, you might constantly be asking, “Am I a bad person if I have disturbing thoughts?”
But relationship OCD (ROCD)—which often centers on doubts within the relationship (i.e. “Are you sure you still love me?”, can create even more strain.
5. Misplaced emotional accountability
Partners of people with OCD often take on a lot of emotional responsibility, feeling as though they need to protect their loved one from distress. But this can be exhausting and ultimately ineffective.
As Dr. McGrath explains, “No one can fix their loved ones’ feelings, especially when those feelings are linked to a chronic condition like OCD.” This can lead to burnout for both people in the relationship.
What types of OCD can affect your relationships?
OCD can present in many forms, and each subtype has the potential to significantly affect relationships. The common thread is the presence of intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and the compulsions that follow, which can create tension and strain with partners. Here are some examples of how different OCD subtypes can impact your relationship:
Contamination OCD
This type of OCD involves a constant fear of contamination or spreading germs. As a result, someone with Contamination OCD may create strict rules for their partner, such as requiring them to wash their hands a certain number of times before touching them or avoiding shared activities for fear of infection. This can extend to avoiding intimacy, leading to strain and misunderstandings.
Harm OCD (HOCD)
Harm OCD centers on fears of accidentally hurting others. People with this subtype may withdraw from their partner to avoid being in situations where harm could occur, ask for constant reassurance that they haven’t harmed anyone, or even avoid situations that trigger their fears, including everyday habits like driving or using a knife. In an effort to keep yourself feeling safe and steer clear of your triggers, your world as a couple can feel contracted.
Scrupulosity OCD
Scrupulosity involves obsessive fears about religious or moral values and actions. A person with scrupulosity OCD may constantly question their own behavior or their partner’s morals, creating tension and feelings of judgment. This can lead to a relationship dynamic where the partner feels under constant scrutiny, which can wear down trust and intimacy.
Sexual Orientation OCD (SO-OCD)
SO-OCD causes someone to question their sexual attraction or identity. They may repeatedly ask themselves if they truly love their partner, or if they’re hiding a deeper truth about their sexuality. This can lead to emotional withdrawal and a lack of intimacy, as the person with SO-OCD fears getting too close to their partner, triggering intrusive thoughts.
Relationship OCD (ROCD)
ROCD centers on romantic relationships, causing doubts about the partner or the relationship itself. Common thoughts include, “Am I really in love?” or “What if I’m actually not attracted to them?” These intrusive doubts can lead to behaviors like constantly testing attraction or seeking reassurance from friends. Over time, this can erode the partner’s confidence, leaving both people feeling uncertain and emotionally exhausted.
What to do if OCD is affecting your relationship
First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. “If you and your partner are frustrated about how OCD is affecting your relationship, that’s a reflection of the condition, and not you as a person,” Dr. McGrath says.
The most important step is to seek the right kind of treatment. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for all forms of OCD, and it’s proven to reduce the disorder’s impact in all areas of life—including your relationship.
Unlike traditional talk therapy or general cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), ERP involves exposing yourself to triggers and learning to respond in ways that don’t involve compulsive behaviors. These exposures are tailored to your specific OCD subtype. For example, if you have Relationship OCD (ROCD), your therapist might ask you to write down your worst-case scenario—like, “if we break up, both of our lives will be ruined”—and read it aloud to yourself. If you have Contamination OCD, they might show you an image of a dirty public restroom.
By learning ways to sit with the discomfort without responding with compulsions, over time you become desensitized to the things that used to trigger you.
Advice for partners: How to cope if the person you love has OCD
Supporting someone with OCD can be incredibly challenging, and it’s natural to wonder whether treatment should involve both partners. While ERP is different from couples counseling, therapists may sometimes suggest bringing the partner into a session to better understand OCD and learn how to offer the best support. This might involve teaching your partner how to respond to reassurance-seeking requests and how to support you through difficult moments.
Here are some additional tips to help partners cope:
1. Find a support group
Connecting with others who understand can make a world of difference. The International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) offers a variety of online support groups, including ones for loved ones of OCD, such as the Mental Illness Caregiver Support Group, the GSO OCD Family Member Support Group, and the OCD Support Group for Families and Loved Ones. Being part of a group where you can share your experiences and hear how others manage similar struggles can provide comfort and hope.
2. Recognize progress—no matter how small
People with OCD often feel that others don’t understand how big of a feat it is to resist a compulsion—even if it’s a “small” improvement like washing their hands 5 times in an hour instead of 10. Acknowledging progress can be a huge motivator.
3. Take care of yourself
Supporting someone with OCD can be emotionally taxing, so it’s essential to prioritize your own well being. This can look like ensuring you have time for things you enjoy, seeking therapy for yourself, or simply resting when needed. Self-care isn’t selfish–it’s necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship.
4. Remind yourself that recovery is possible
It can feel overwhelming at times, but remember that recovery is possible. Many people with OCD are able to regain control of their symptoms, and with the right treatment, relationships can thrive. People who have gone through treatment often report stronger, more connected relationships. As one NOCD community member shared, “You can have a happy relationship in spite of OCD.”
