Do you seem to question everything about your relationship? Are you bothered by persistent thoughts about finding someone “better”? Do you need repeated reassurance that your partner really loves you?
You may be dealing with relationship OCD (ROCD), a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to close personal relationships. ROCD most often involves romantic or intimate relationships, but it can affect platonic ones, too. This can make life especially challenging, since OCD can magnify doubts, fears, and an overwhelming need for reassurance.While ROCD is often mistaken for relationship anxiety or relationship issues, it’s actually a complex, but treatable, mental health condition.
Keep reading to learn about the most common signs of ROCD, and how to best manage symptoms—so you can keep your relationships strong.
What is relationship OCD?
Experiencing doubts and insecurity from time to time is completely normal in a relationship—but when these thoughts are recurring, deeply troubling, and intrusive, they could be a sign of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD).
“People with ROCD often find themselves questioning everything about their relationship, feeling that they need to be perfectly certain and secure,” explains NOCD Therapist Ryan Ventillo, LMHC,. “The slightest doubts can feel impossible to accept.”
What does OCD look like in a relationship?
Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder doesn’t just stop with persistent intrusive thoughts (aka obsessions). It also involves behaviors (aka compulsions) that are performed in an attempt to quell the distress caused by the obsessions. This means you might seek reassurance from friends and family about your partner, avoid your partner, try to minimize time apart, snoop through their phone, or compare your relationship to those you see on social media. Unfortunately, these compulsions don’t bring relief—at least not long-term.
Relationship OCD symptoms
The two key symptoms of ROCD—just as with any type of OCD—are obsessions and compulsions.
ROCD obsessions
Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, sensations, or urges that can lead to intense, all-consuming distress. Here are some examples of ROCD thoughts:
- “What if we fall out of love?”
- “What if they cheat on me?”
- “Am I still attracted to my partner?”
- “That other couple seems so happy. Is something wrong with us?”
Compulsions in ROCD
Compulsions are physical or mental behaviors performed in an attempt to try to prevent a bad thing from happening, or cope with the distress caused by the obsessions. Some examples of compulsions in relationship OCD are:
- Repetitively taking relationship quizzes online.
- Checking for “signs” that you’re attracted to your partner, or vice versa.
- Repeatedly asking your partner for reassurance that they love you.
- Avoiding certain relationship milestones to protect yourself from getting hurt.
- “Testing” your partner by openly flirting with others.
Unfortunately, compulsions only provide, at best, fleeting relief. When the relief fades, the obsession returns, and you’re right back in what’s called the OCD cycle.
What causes relationship OCD?
Believe it or not, your intrusive thoughts, doubts, feelings, urges, sensations, and other triggers aren’t actually the cause of relationship OCD (ROCD). In fact, everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time. What characterizes ROCD is the attachment of meaning to, and need to respond to these thoughts with compulsions.
While researchers are still investigating the underlying causes of OCD, genetics, brain chemistry, and life events may all play an important role in how and why people develop the condition. With relationship OCD, your relationship history might also come into play. Many people develop OCD in the wake of especially stressful or traumatic events, so it stands to reason that severely negative experiences involving relationships could lead OCD to latch onto similar themes.
Another reason that OCD might latch onto your relationship is because it’s so important to you. Research has shown that OCD obsessions tend to center on the things we value most.
Do I actually have ROCD, or is it just “normal” relationship anxiety?
There are several differences between relationship anxiety (sometimes referred to as relationship anxiety disorder, although it is not an official disorder in the DSM-5-TR) and ROCD, including the amount of time these mental health conditions consume—and whether you’re experiencing a cycle of obsessions and compulsions.
A relationship OCD diagnosis requires obsessions and compulsions to:
- Take up to an hour or more per day.
- Cause significant distress.
- Interfere with your ability to function in day-to-day life.
For instance, you might find that your intrusive thoughts are relentless, lasting for hours or even days, making it feel impossible to focus on anything else. Relationship anxiety disorder, on the other hand, consists of persistent fears and worries about the stability of a relationship—but, it doesn’t involve the same obsessive-compulsive cycle.
While someone with relationship anxiety might feel insecure or fear abandonment, these thoughts aren’t typically followed by compulsions aimed at reducing distress. In fact, relationship anxiety often improves with communication, self-reflection, and reassurance, whereas ROCD tends to worsen with these behaviors.
It’s easy for ROCD symptoms to go undetected, especially given common misconceptions that OCD is only about obsessive hand-washing or cleaning. You might even find yourself rationalizing ROCD obsessions as “healthy concern” for your relationships. However, there are some telltale signs. For example, if you find that you need to ask your partner the same question over and over again because it’s the only way you’ll feel less anxious about your relationship—even though they’ve already given you the same answer 10 times—you’re likely dealing with ROCD.
Find the right OCD therapist for you
All our therapists are licensed and trained in exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD.
Can relationship OCD ruin relationships?
ROCD can put a strain on social dynamics, but it doesn’t mean your relationships are doomed. With the right treatment, it’s possible to break free from obsessive doubts and compulsions. ROCD is highly treatable with exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, a treatment designed for OCD that teaches you to manage intrusive thoughts, reduce compulsions, and embrace uncertainty—allowing you to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. While OCD may make you doubt everything, ERP helps you shift focus from needing certainty to simply enjoying your relationships as is.
Relationship OCD treatment
Until you learn how to break the cycle of relationship OCD and stop responding to obsessions with compulsions, it will always feel like OCD is running the show. Luckily, ERP can teach you the skills to learn how to resist compulsions over time—helping to reduce your overall distress. ERP was developed specifically to treat OCD, and 80% of people who try it see a significant improvement in their symptoms.
After asking you about your specific symptoms, an ERP therapist will work with you to rank your fears or triggers based on how stressful they seem—so they can create a plan to help you face these fears slowly, without getting overwhelmed.
What ERP for ROCD looks like
Let’s imagine you’re navigating ROCD, and your intrusive thoughts center on fears about a partner cheating on you. Your ERP therapist might help you begin to confront your fears, by having you simply say the word “cheating” out loud. When you begin feeling anxious or distressed, you’d work to resist the compulsion—perhaps by delaying it initially, and eventually learning to tolerate the discomfort you feel without engaging at all. In time, you’d gradually take on more difficult exercises, like resisting the urge to ask your partner if they’d ever cheat on you.
Once you see that you can handle this sort of discomfort without compulsions, your brain learns that you don’t need compulsions, and your desire for them will lessen. Soon, your fears will feel less intense, allowing you to focus on being present in your relationships.
ROCD makes you believe that you need to feel 100% certain about the state of your relationship. A key part of progress in ERP is learning to accept that uncertainty.
While it’s not a requirement, your therapist may offer the opportunity for your partner(s) to join for a session or two to learn about your symptoms, and how they can best be supportive. This might involve teaching your partner how to respond to requests for reassurance without enabling your compulsions.
Bottom line
You and your partner(s) deserve to be in charge of your relationship, not OCD. ROCD is hard, but, with treatment, you can learn to manage your symptoms. ERP therapy can help you learn to resist compulsions, and feel more comfortable navigating anxiety. It’s one of the most important steps you can take to make your relationship healthier.
