Singer-songwriter Sophie May gets candid about OCD

Sophie May is a 20-something singer-songwriter from the UK with a new song called “Tiny Dictator”—and the central metaphor is that obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, is a “tiny dictator” that wants to control her. When I heard an excerpt of it on her TikTok, I was taken by not only the song’s acoustic artistry, but by its candidness, too. 

The track touches on some of OCD’s more taboo themes, with lines like, “Can’t have sex without thinking of my own mother’s face,” and “What if I’m a pedophile?” and “Can’t watch porn—in my head, my father’s watching me and crying.” 

May has a growing fanbase, more than 220,000 followers on TikTok, and has caught the attention of stars like Billie Eilish, Sabrina Carpenter, and Florence Pugh. This song, from her upcoming EP Deep Sea Creatures, is a refreshingly accurate representation of OCD.

May sat down with me—a staff writer here at NOCD, the leading provider of specialized OCD therapy—to discuss her OCD journey.

My conversation with Sophie May

Elle: When did you realize you had OCD?

Sophie: It took me a while, probably a year and a half of OCD unlocking within me for me to realize what it was. It was around the end of COVID, and I started to get to a point where I was just feeling really paralyzed and crazy, absolutely insane, with all the things that I was thinking and stressing about. They just didn’t feel normal. So I went online and basically looked up, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ And then I found a little excerpt about Pure O, and I remember reading it and just being like, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ And it gave me some clarity about what was going on.

Elle: Were you surprised to learn what OCD really was? I have OCD, too. And for me, I knew the stereotypes of OCD—like wanting to be clean or organized. But I didn’t know the reality of it. 

Sophie: I was. I didn’t really know it could be more than one thing. I also felt shocked that there was even a term for what I was going through. And I kind of felt in denial because I saw myself as someone that had a great childhood and had all these things. Nothing really awful had happened to me. I was like, ‘This can be OCD? What do you mean OCD?’ But yeah, at the same time, there was a big relief in knowing that it could be something with a name.

Elle: Yeah, absolutely. Totally relate to that. On the note of misconceptions, what do you think people don’t get about OCD?

Sophie: Well, I think there’s this idea that you’re going to know it when you see it, and that it’s going to be very physical, and that someone with OCD can’t function, and maybe you can tell they’re constantly tapping, making things even, or stressing about the oven. 

But what I find quite interesting is that you can struggle with OCD and be extremely high functioning. And that’s how I feel often. I mean, there are big meltdown moments, but on the whole, it’s so within, and such an inner monologue, and extremely hidden. So yeah, I think one of the biggest misconceptions is how obvious you think it would look.

Elle: That’s a great point. Since you touch on some taboo themes, I’m curious what your relationship with shame has been, and how you worked through it enough to be able to share in such a public way?

Sophie: It’s interesting because for me, it’s still so ongoing. I definitely am not on the other side of OCD, or the shame or guilt it can cause. You know, after you feel guilty for five years, you get confused about what even is shame and guilt anymore. I’m just like, ‘What is this feeling that I have all the time?’ 

For songwriting and being creative, you often write about things that you have some distance from. But I had kind of reached a point with ‘Tiny Dictator’ where it felt like there was this screaming animal tearing me apart, and I’m like, ‘OK, I just need to talk about this.’ Specifically, I think they are things I’ve gone through that I have moved on from, and now I’m stressing about something else. It was really scary, though. And it still is kind of nerve wracking, but the payoff felt big.

I did get a lot of hate after posting ‘Tiny Dictator’ [to TikTok], which I’ve never had before. But a big part of me was shocked at how many people related to it. I think OCD is often seen as maybe a bit niche, but I actually think it’s not as niche as everyone thinks it is. One thing I’ve kind of come to terms with is that whether I released the song or not, I would still feel the same amount of shame and guilt. I’m gonna struggle. And so it’s like, ‘Well, why not? Just talk about it.’ It’s exhausting pretending like it’s not there all the time. And I think it will bring more good than bad. 

Elle: In the song you say that one day you will be free from OCD. What does that mean for you? 

Sophie: I feel like I never talk about this in public, which is quite nice to do right now. I think something I’m always striving for, and a lot of people with OCD are striving for, is a sense of peace—a minute of being like, OK, it’s not on me. I haven’t done something wrong. So for me, it would be getting to a point where I know that intrusive thoughts, or events that happen in my life will always happen and continually exist. 

But I’d like to be able to have some more space for myself when it comes to handling those ‘mistakes’ or ‘bad’ thoughts. I think it’s just being able to maybe not spiral as hard and kind of take the microphone away from that ‘Tiny Dictator,’ because right now, he’s got the mic, and he won’t let go. 

Elle: I love the metaphor of the tiny dictator. I’m curious if you find that personifying OCD helps take some of its power away?

Sophie: Definitely. I think probably the most accurate representation of OCD is that abusive person in your head who is kind of constantly chatting away and probably being 1,000 times more cruel than you would ever be to anyone else. And I think condescending it, and just being like, ‘No, this is my time. I’m gonna actually belittle you in front of everyone’—that is a cathartic process. And it’s the best way of explaining OCD to people, because it’s a really hard thing to explain—and uncomfortable and embarrassing and confusing, as well. 

Elle: Throughout the song, you talk about things you can’t do without OCD getting in the way. I’m curious if the disorder has tried to get in the way of you pursuing music. 

Sophie: For me, songwriting has always been a release and somewhere that I can talk about things without having to talk about them too much, in a funny way. And so I feel lucky in the sense that I’ve never had an intrusive thought like, ‘I can’t play guitar anymore.’ But I’ve had points where I feel so paralyzed that I think maybe I don’t deserve to play guitar. 

OCD is so sneaky and confusing. It can really have such warped views on things. There have been moments where I haven’t been able to be completely honest in songs. I think writing ‘Tiny Dictator’ was a really big moment for me just because it felt like I could write about whatever I wanted. 

Elle: What do you hope someone with OCD takes away from the song?

Sophie: Kind of going back to that peaceful feeling, I think one thing I really struggle with—and I know other people with OCD struggle with—is having a moment where you can relax, and just think nothing for a bit. There have been points in time where I think listening to a song like ‘Tiny Dictator’ would have been just like the ultimate kind of relief or the ultimate kind of confession without having to confess, you know? And so I’d love for someone to just have a deep breath and be like, ‘Well, maybe it’s OK [that I feel this way].’ 

Elle: I can imagine someone with OCD being able to send this song to a loved one and be like, ‘This is how I feel’ without having to say it all.

Sophie: Yes, because it’s awful. It’s awful trying to explain those things. Especially when it’s like, ‘You can’t say those things, they’re horrific!’ Right? 

Elle: It doesn’t feel like you can, yeah. On that note, what do you hope someone without OCD takes from the song?

Sophie: I think the ability to listen to some of the topics. And maybe look at it with a bit of compassion and open mindedness. Because for people who don’t have OCD, these are kind of shocking things. But I think everybody will understand points in time where they’ve thought something ridiculous, or terrifying, or awful, or violent.

OCD is something that has always felt the most personal to me. People have come to me and been like, ‘How do you write such sad love songs? It must be like opening your diary to people,’ and I’m like, ‘You should see my diary!’ It’s literally nothing about love. It’s all about awful, awful other things. And I think this song has opened a new chapter, almost like a part of myself, that I still find very icky, and kind of dark. But I just love for people that are going through similar things just to see how normal it can be. Because I think a big part of it is just feeling extremely isolated…

Elle: …and crazy, like you said before.

Sophie: So crazy! And confusing. However, being able to catch it, and name it as OCD, and see it when it’s there is very important. Just so it doesn’t have complete control. And you can find some peace. 

Where to find Sophie May

Listen to “Tiny Dictator” and the rest of May’s catalog now on Spotify, Apple Music, or Soundcloud. Follow her @sophiemay.uk on TikTok and Instagram. Her EP, Deep Sea Creatures, is out on June 21st.