Avoidant Attachment Style: Traits and Relationship Challenges

Do you struggle to take your romantic relationships to the next level? Or do you find it hard to be vulnerable with your friends? If you don’t feel that your partner is “the one,” or you just started hanging out with someone, it’s completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to get too deeply involved with them. But if you have no long-term relationships outside of your immediate family, you might be wondering why.

Getting close to people isn’t always easy. However, if it seems impossible to let down your guard around others, you may want to learn more about avoidant attachment styles. While not a medical diagnosis, an avoidant attachment style is sometimes tied to mental health conditions like Relationship OCD (ROCD), a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), relationship anxiety, or other mental health conditions. 

Knowing if you have avoidance issues can also help you take the next steps in improving your relationships. 

What are attachment styles?

According to Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, and Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD, attachment styles are “a description of how you approach relationships or closeness with other people and how trusting you feel towards relationships.” She explains that attachment styles are related to upbringing, and depending on how you were raised, you might have certain attachment styles in your relationships as an adult. The attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1970s to understand how the relationship between a child and their caregiver could influence their relationships in adulthood.  

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious attachment style, avoidant-dismissive attachment style, and disorganized attachment style. 

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to attachment styles—you might not even have one at all. Also, it’s important to know that a licensed professional would never diagnose you with an attachment style. “There is no clinical diagnosis of an attachment style,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. ”Attachment styles are a theory, not a disorder.”

Is there any benefit to knowing your attachment style? According to Zinman-Ibrahim, understanding which category of attachment style you “fit” in could help you address any relationship problems you’re having. “If you knew your attachment style, you could go to therapy and start to work on becoming aware of behaviors or certain things you might do in your relationship,” she says.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant attachment style, also known as dismissive attachment style, involves a fear of getting too close to an intimate partner or a friend. “Instead of wanting to be emotionally close, avoidant attachment style is an avoidance of connecting with others,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “It’s not trusting that it’s safe to rely on others. The emotions are difficult for people with an avoidant attachment to deal with.”

What are the signs of avoidant attachment style?

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may:

• Worry that your partner is going to leave you at any moment
• Blame your partner for being too clingy or demanding
• Seek intimacy but having difficulty feeling secure
• Struggle to maintain long-term relationships
• Avoid taking the next steps in a romantic relationship, like moving in together or getting married
• Avoid making friends
• Excessively stress over being independent or self-reliant
• Believe that your friends are untrustworthy and will betray you
• Have difficulty or a dislike for emotional conversations or being transparent about your feelings

How avoidant attachment style can impact relationships

Having an avoidant attachment style can unintentionally put a strain on your closest relationships. For example, being unable to be vulnerable around your partner can create problems with intimacy. “You might crave attention from your relationship but have difficulty trusting and feeling secure in that,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “Maybe you come close to them, and then you pull back. It could be very confusing for your partner.”

Avoidant attachment traits can also affect friendships. “I want to trust my good friend, and I want to be close to them, but then I have all those same fears,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “You might think, ‘Is my friend really going to be there for me? Can I trust this? Are they going to abandon me, and then I’m not going to have any friends?’”

Mental health issues related to avoidant attachment style

As a quick disclaimer, having an avoidant attachment style is typically not a major cause for concern. However, a pattern of dismissive behavior in relationships could be a result of a mental health condition. If you think there’s an underlying cause for your attachment issues, it’s best to speak to a licensed mental health professional. 

Here are mental health conditions that can have avoidant attachment style traits:

Relationship OCD (ROCD)

Being fearful about your relationships is one of the main characteristics of Relationship OCD (ROCD). This OCD subtype entails intrusive thoughts, images, urges, or feelings—known as obsessions—you have about your relationship. To get rid of obsessions, you may perform compulsions, which are physical or mental actions that provide temporary relief from distress. 

ROCD can cause compulsive avoidance, making it difficult to maintain healthy relationships. “Avoidant attachment style spotlights all the things that Relationship OCD tends to make people worry about,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “You might worry that you’re not the right person for your partner, or they’re not the right one for you, so you can’t trust the relationship. 

For example, with ROCD, you might ask yourself, “‘Do they really mean what they say? Are they trustworthy?’” notes Zinman-Ibrahim.

Relationship anxiety

Not to be confused with ROCD, relationship anxiety is the worries, insecurities, and doubts you may have about your relationship, minus the obsessions and compulsions. This condition can occur before you define the relationship with your partner. 

Many aspects of relationship anxiety intertwine with avoidant attachment style. For instance, you can have fears about your partner leaving you, question the longevity of your relationship, or intentionally sabotage the relationship to push them away.

Depression

Depression is another mental health condition that may cause avoidant attachment—and vice versa. “A lot of times, having avoidant attachment can get depressing because we’re like, ‘I don’t have a close attachment, or if I do, I can’t trust people,’” says Zinman-Ibrahim. 

Zinman-Ibrahim also notes that avoidant attachment style traits may appear in other mental health conditions, like borderline personality disorder (BPD) and anxiety. However, she adds, you “could have none of these conditions and just have that attachment style.”

Tips for managing avoidant attachment style

If you’re dismissive towards your partner and friends, here are some ways you can improve your relationships:

• Identify your challenges. First and foremost, try to pinpoint the issues you’re facing in your relationships. “Being aware of the areas that you find challenging in relationships can help spotlight them and guide you to know that those are challenges you can work through,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
• Be willing to communicate. As tough as it might seem, you must discuss your feelings with your partner or friend to overcome avoidant attachment. Discussing your concerns without judgment is vital to co-regulating your emotions with your loved ones.
• Seek therapy if necessary. It can be hard to do all this on your own. Plus, there could be some underlying issues that can be better addressed with the help of a therapist. “Get therapy with somebody who understands if you have an attachment style situation, OCD, or any of the other disorders,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.

When to seek professional help for avoidant attachment style

As previously mentioned, having an avoidant attachment style may not be an actual cause for concern. But in situations where a mental health condition might be causing avoidant behaviors, or you cannot resolve the issues in your relationships, a third party may need to get involved. Here are some treatments that can address avoidant attachment style or the underlying condition causing it:

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)

If you have ROCD or relationship anxiety, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy can address intrusive thoughts and compulsions surrounding your relationships. ERP is an evidence-based treatment for all OCD subtypes and several other mental health conditions, including anxiety. ERP involves directly exposing you to what triggers your intrusive thoughts and then teaching you how to address them head-on using response prevention techniques.  

While ERP may help you learn to tolerate avoidant attachment, Zinman-Ibrahim says it is not the primary treatment for it. “For OCD, if they have this attachment style, we would do nothing with it,” she says. “We don’t do ERP for attachment styles. So, in terms of developing secure attachment, that’s therapy outside of ERP.”

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a talk therapy that can be beneficial if you’re experiencing depression and an avoidant attachment style. “DBT teaches you how to rely on yourself,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. It encourages you to experience and accept distressful thoughts and emotions rather than trying to change them. Depending on your avoidant attachment traits, Zinman-Ibrahim says that DBT can help solve any of the deeper issues harming your relationships. 

Family Systems Therapy 

Since your attachment styles develop from childhood, seeking family systems therapy may help find the root causes of your relationship problems. Family systems therapy is a talk therapy that aims to improve family dynamics to reduce distress and conflict. “If it’s just an attachment style situation, a family systems therapist is good because they can look at your family system and see how you got this way,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. 

Certain therapists, including Zinman-Ibrahim herself, have the training to perform ERP, DBT, and family systems therapy simultaneously if needed. “If I saw somebody who has ROCD, I would do ERP for the OCD, and then I would do family systems therapy or DBT, depending on what’s going on,” she says. 

Couples Counseling 

According to Zinman-Ibrahim, if your avoidant behaviors affect your romantic relationship, you can seek couples counseling with your partner. A couples counselor can help you resolve any relationship problems that might be occurring due to your avoidant attachment style. 

An attachment style is not a formal diagnosis. Needing some space from your partner(s) and friends every now and then is completely normal and shouldn’t be a cause for concern. But if you do decide you want to change how you approach your relationships, it’s best to work with a licensed therapist.