How can I tell if my memories are real? Help from a therapist

Memories are fickle. They’re dependent on who we were when they happened, who we are as we remember them, and any new feelings we have about the people or situations involved. 

I’ve questioned my memories before, too. When I was in the throes of sexual orientation OCD, a theme of obsessive-compulsive disorder that focuses on the need to know your “one, true” sexuality, I began to look at my memories through the lens of attraction. I questioned the memories I had with my female friends—did I really see them as just a friend? Was I flirting with them? Were there signs of my sexuality that I missed? I questioned the experiences I had with guys, too. Did I really have feelings for them? Was I faking it?

It’s not uncommon to question your memories. Keep reading for an overview of what we know about memory, why you might be questioning it, and how you can get help if it’s bringing you distress, advised by April Kilduff, LCPC, LMHC, LPCC, a therapist who specializes in OCD and anxiety disorders.

What do we know about memories?

As Kilduff puts it, memories are “naturally imperfect.” You can’t play them back like a recording and remember exactly how it was.

She also notes that “as time goes on, our memories change because who we are as the person remembering them changes.” The parts of a memory that stuck out to us before may not anymore. We may develop new feelings about the memory. 

If you ever worry about having “repressed memories,” Kilduff says that concept, and the therapeutic practice of uncovering them, was found to be “fraudulent.” While trauma does affect the way we remember, the field of psychology by and large does not support what we think of as repressed memories. 

How can you tell if your memories are real?

Since our memories are not video recordings, Kilduff says the answer to this question is “not super quantifiable.” You can ask yourself, Is this a memory I have a lot? Do I remember it super well? Does someone else remember it too? And if the answer to any of those questions is yes, that might be a good sign that the memory is real.

However, the best way to look at the “realness” of your memories, Kilduff explains, is to recognize that some level of uncertainty is inherent in our memories.

There can always be a seed of doubt, and when we focus on that doubt, we tend to only foster more of it. “When you’re focusing on uncertainty and interpreting it as a bad thing,” Kilduff continues, “your brain is going to pay more attention to it because your brain focuses on whatever seems like a threat. We go searching for certainty that doesn’t exist, which exacerbates the feeling of uncertainty, and your brain treats that like it matters.”

There is the possibility of doubt to be found in most matters, including, and maybe even especially, our memories. If trying to figure out whether your memories are real is taking up a significant amount of time and causing you distress, the better question to ask may be why are you so worried about it?

Why are you questioning your memories?

While questioning the validity of your memory isn’t necessarily a mental health problem, if it’s bringing you recurring feelings of anxiety, panic, shame, or other uncomfortable feelings, that can be a sign that something deeper is going on. 

Most notably, it’s highly common for people with OCD to question their memories. Despite popular belief, OCD is not limited to cleanliness or organization. Themes, or subtypes, of OCD vary widely. 

No matter the theme, the disorder consists of three components: recurring, unwanted intrusive thoughts, images, urges, or sensations (these are obsessions and are typically shortened to “intrusive thoughts”), extreme distress about them, and physical or mental actions done to feel better—or, often, to feel certain about something.

False memory OCD, also known as “real event” OCD, is a subtype of the condition that focuses on past memories. Someone with this theme of OCD has intrusive thoughts about the validity of their memory, whether they’ve done something wrong and don’t remember, whether something bad has happened to them that they don’t remember, or sometimes, intrusive worries that their memories simply are not real. 

The specifics of intrusive thoughts will vary from person to person, but some examples in false memory OCD include:

• When my mom fell down the stairs and twisted her ankle, was it because I actually pushed her?
• What if I was abused as a child and don’t remember?
• What if I hit someone with my car and don’t remember?
• When my sister and I used to play at the playground, did I push her off the slide?
• At the party last week, did I say something offensive to the new person I met?
• Did I say something unkind to my partner while I was tired last night?
• If I’m even wondering about this, does that mean it must be true?

While everyone experiences intrusive thoughts from time to time, someone with OCD will take them incredibly seriously. They feel a desperate need to “solve” them. With false memory OCD, you become fixated on figuring out what your memories “mean” about you, and whether you can trust yourself if you’re not 100% certain. 

It’s a cruel trap staged by OCD, because 100% certainty is impossible to attain, with or without OCD. But nonetheless, the distress and discomfort brought on by these doubts prompts you to engage in compulsions—mental or physical actions performed in the hopes of finding relief. Some examples of compulsions include:

• Mental review. This is probably the most common compulsion in those with false memory/real event OCD, although it happens across all themes. This occurs when you go over your memories with a fine tooth comb, looking for evidence that supports or denies your intrusive thoughts. You likely feel like you cannot trust your memories, and like if you just keep going over them, something new will crop up.
• Rumination. Rumination occurs when we think about the same questions or pieces of “evidence” over and over. We may spend hours going over the same few thoughts. Put more simply, rumination is extreme overthinking.
• Reassurance-seeking. You may seek reassurance from yourself and/or from others. When seeking reassurance from yourself, you may repeat in your head, I know that happened. That definitely happened. When seeking reassurance from others, you might ask, “Do you remember that thing that happened?” or “Did you see me do something bad last night?”
• Checking. Checking can show up in a number of ways. You might “check” your body for certain feelings or sensations when thinking of a memory and interpret those feelings or sensations as “proof” that the memory did or did not happen. You might “check” photos or videos for “evidence” of a memory. You might “check” around your environment for “signs” that something did or did not happen—if you’re worried you hit someone with your car, for example, you might go outside and examine your car for dents or cracks.
• Conducting excessive research. You might find yourself spending large chunks of time online reading articles and learning about memories. Most likely, nothing you read feels like “enough” to quell your doubt, or if it does, it’s only for a short time.

People with harm OCD, a theme that focuses on worry over “snapping” and harming others, commonly engage in mental review. Pedophilia OCD, too—the theme that causes its sufferers to worry that they’re pedophiles. It tends to come up in the “biggest, scariest ways” in these themes, says Kilduff, because the sufferer feels like “there’s a lot at stake.” That is, the interpreted possibility that they are a violent or bad person.

OCD is often dubbed as the “doubting disorder.” This is because if there is even an iota of room for doubt, even a possibility of it (which there always is), OCD will latch onto it. Memories are a prime target for OCD because we cannot go back in time and experience them again. None of us can recount our memories with 100% certainty, and OCD can make anything less feel unbearable.

If this is causing you distress, how can you get help? 

All themes of OCD are best treated with exposure and response-prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP works to help you get comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty. To begin, you and your therapist will work to understand the nuances of your intrusive thoughts, what triggers them, and what compulsions you engage in. 

Then, you’ll start to confront your feelings of uncertainty, without resorting to compulsions, such as mental review, reassurance-seeking, or rumination. It’s uncomfortable to sit with uncertainty—after all, you may be convinced that anything less is intolerable. But when you practice over time, your brain learns that you can accept uncertainty and doubt about your memories, even when it makes you anxious.

While exposures are tailored to each individual and their unique triggers, examples include:

• Reading accounts of “repressed memories”
• Watching a video about someone who thought a memory was real but it was actually just a dream
• Writing down a “worst case scenario” of your memories not being real. If my memories aren’t real, then…
• Writing down a statement of uncertainty and reading it back to yourself. My memories might not be real.

Exposures may initially increase your anxiety, but that’s part of the process—experiencing that anxiety without engaging in compulsions teaches you that you can tolerate it. Over time, as your brain sees it less and less as a threat, your anxiety decreases. 

Anxiety can feel life-threatening (that’s why people having panic attacks so often wind up going to the hospital) but really, it’s just a feeling. That’s not to say that it isn’t painful, just that it is a feeling like any other and not truly a physical threat. When you have OCD, uncertainty is hard. But with proper approach, it can get easier and easier. You deserve to live with confidence, despite uncertainty.