I’m scared of being vulnerable. Can therapy help?

Fulfilling relationships rest on a foundation of trust, and trust is built largely by mutual vulnerability. What happens, though, when you have trouble being open and unguarded with your feelings?  

Vulnerability—why it’s so important, and how we can get better at it—is the bedrock of the work of well-known researcher Brené Brown, PhD, a professor at the University of Houston. She’s written several books and given a TedTalk about the subject, and has been candid about her own struggles with vulnerability: “Learning how to be vulnerable has been a street fight for me, but it’s been worth it,” she’s said.  

Here, April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, LPCC, LMHC, a therapist and clinical trainer at NOCD, weighs in on what it means to be vulnerable, reasons why you might be afraid of it, and whether therapy can help (spoiler: it definitely can!). 

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

Vulnerability is defined as: 

• Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
• Open to attack or damage

So no wonder it can feel scary for some of us. It entails letting your guard down, allowing yourself to be seen and heard without having absolute certainty about what will happen after. It might look like:

• Speaking honestly about your feelings
• Asking for what you want or need
• Expressing your biggest fears
• Sharing things that you’re insecure or embarrassed about
• Engaging in a relationship even if you’re afraid that it will end

To be vulnerable is to open yourself up to the possibility of risk. There’s uncertainty and a level of emotional exposure involved. “It’s showing your true self and true feelings to others, rather than hiding behind what you think other people might want to hear or see,” says Kilduff. “I think almost everybody’s afraid of vulnerability because it touches on that universal fear of rejection that no one wants to experience.” 

Despite the inherent risk, vulnerability is important because it allows us to forge deeper connections with others, and go more courageously toward the things we want. It enables us to make choices based on our values and desires, rather than fear. 

For some people, though, vulnerability isn’t just scary—it’s paralyzing, and could be a sign of a deeper mental health condition that’s worth seeking help for, says Kilduff.  

Is my fear of vulnerability a sign of a mental health condition?

The first condition that’s commonly accompanied by a fear of vulnerability is social anxiety disorder, which is characterized by a fear of being judged, criticized, rejected, or humiliated by others. So to be vulnerable and show your full self without knowing for certain how others will react is especially terrifying if you have social anxiety disorder. 

Social anxiety, like all types of anxiety disorders, commonly comes with physical symptoms, too. These can include: racing heart, dizziness, shakiness, headaches, muscle tension, and gastrointestinal issues. 

Another mental health condition to know about is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD consists of repetitive, unwanted intrusive thoughts, images, urges, sensations, or feelings (or obsessions) that cause intense distress. As a result, you engage in mental or physical actions in the hopes of relieving that distress (called compulsions). 

One important thing to know about OCD and your fear of being vulnerable is that the intrusive triggers of OCD often come in the form of “what if?” thoughts. Here are some examples of intrusive thoughts related to vulnerability:

• What if I can’t trust the people I’m being vulnerable with and it comes back to bite me?
• What if I’m being too vulnerable, and they think I’m weird?
• What if I can’t trust myself to accurately judge people’s perceptions of me?
• What if I never let myself be vulnerable, and I die with no truly close relationships? 
• What if I’m the only one who feels the way I do, so there’s no point in telling anyone about it?

Then, OCD leads to compulsions done to feel better or to find some certainty. Here are some examples:

• Mentally reviewing past interactions or events to look for “evidence” that supports or denies your intrusive thoughts. You have the sense that you can’t trust your memories or your interpretation of them. For example, maybe you look back on conversations you’ve had with your partner, searching for moments where you were too vulnerable.
• Seeking reassurance. This is when you need reassurance from others or from yourself that your intrusive thoughts aren’t true. You might ask a loved one repeatedly, “Do you think I shared too much at the party last night?” or telling yourself over and over, Of course I didn’t share too much; I always control myself.
• Avoiding situations, people, places, feelings, stories, or other stimuli that trigger your intrusive thoughts. For example, maybe you steer clear of people who like to have deep conversations over more surface-level, emotionless ones.
• Ruminating on your intrusive thoughts—such as on the “evidence” you have for or against them, or on past interactions or situations. Rumination can also be described as overthinking, and tends to contain very repetitive, cyclical thoughts. For example, maybe you replay a conversation you had, asking yourself, “Was I too vulnerable?” and waiting for an “answer” to emerge.

Compulsions may bring temporary relief, but the thing is that you can never perform enough of them to get rid of your intrusive thoughts. They ultimately just reinforce the idea that your intrusive thoughts are, indeed, real threats that must be taken seriously. 

Because OCD is very fear and anxiety-based, it’s common for it to be accompanied by physical symptoms of stress, too (similar to social anxiety disorder), including shakiness, a racing heart, or GI issues.

Another reason that you may be scared of vulnerability is if you’ve experienced a traumatic event or experience in your life. Trauma can have a wide variety of impacts, but it often makes you want to instinctively protect yourself from future harm. You may become guarded, and avoid confronting difficult emotions. 

Because trauma creates a massive amount of stress, it comes with a wide variety of physical symptoms, from muscle tension to fatigue to nightmares. 

The last possibility is attachment style, a psychological term that refers to the way we show up in relationships. They’re believed to mirror your early relationships with your caregivers, though later relationships and experiences can alter them. There is a secure attachment style, where you feel safe, content, and trusting in your interactions with others. 

Then there are a few different types of insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant. If you have one of these insecure styles, especially avoidant or anxious-avoidant, you may hold back on showing up to relationships with your full self. 

(If you want to learn more about attachment styles, check out Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.)

If any of these things feel familiar to you, don’t worry. There is effective therapy available for all of them.

How can therapy help me feel more comfortable being vulnerable?

You don’t have to stay stuck in a cycle of wanting to open up, yet feeling too scared to be vulnerable. No matter what’s behind your fear, you can get help.

If you related to the information about social anxiety disorder or OCD, the go-to treatment for both is exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP). It’s a process where a specially-trained therapist helps you learn that you can handle uncomfortable feelings like vulnerability and uncertainty, that you don’t have to respond with avoidance or other compulsions, and that you can learn other ways to respond to your worries.

“ERP allows you to actually practice being vulnerable, and the more you practice, the more natural it becomes,” says Kilduff. “You also start to realize that vulnerability can bring some incredible positives if you can get past the fear.”

The goal of ERP is not to eliminate your intrusive thoughts or worry—we all experience those things—but rather to control your reaction to them. By learning that you can tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, the frequency and intensity of your intrusive thoughts and worries will naturally decrease.

If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or experience that you think could be the root of your fear of vulnerability, you may consider prolonged exposure (PE) therapy. This modality helps you gradually, in a controlled setting, approach the memories, feelings, and situations reminiscent of your trauma and become desensitized to them.

This process allows you to feel less fear around those memories, feelings, and situations, and ultimately, less “stuck” in the trauma they created. You’ll be able to feel less impaired by your trauma, and be more present in your life.

If you related to the information on attachment styles, on the other hand, you may benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). “CBT teaches you to understand the relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—including what may be driving your fear of being vulnerable,” says Kilduff. “Once you have a greater awareness of this relationship, you can begin to alter the emotions that are contributing to unwanted thoughts and behaviors.”

If you’re not sure which of these you’re experiencing (which is totally OK! It can be really hard to untangle what’s going on in your brain by yourself), I recommend speaking with a licensed mental health professional who has a breadth of knowledge about all of the conditions that could be related to your fear of vulnerability. We can’t say it enough: There is help for you. And you can enjoy a more vibrant and fulfilling life as a result. Just take the first step and reach out.