Managing Tinder anxiety and overthinking – Tips from therapists

I can’t believe I said that. What did they really mean when they said that? They said they wanted to go on a date, but then they haven’t replied back. Should I just give up?

We all overthink sometimes. It can be easier to fill in the blanks and make assumptions about someone’s words or intentions, rather than asking them directly. But the habit can really get out of control when it comes to chatting on online dating platforms like Tinder. 

“To some degree, overthinking a Tinder conversation is normal. We all sometimes have anxiety about relationships or dating, as we do with so many day-to-day things,” says April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, LMHC, a licensed therapist and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

In some instances, though, anxiety and overthinking can make online dating a massive source of stress, possibly contributing to serious mental health issues. The good news? They don’t have to. You can overcome anxiety and rumination, and enjoy the dating life you deserve, getting to know your match instead of the worst-case scenarios your brain conjures up. 

Let’s learn more about overthinking and online dating, with the help of experts who have helped others with the same struggle.

Why am I overthinking about online dating?

Online dating is more complicated than ever, so it’s understandable to overthink it a bit. “In dating, there are a lot of unknowns and a lot of variables that exist that we just don’t have control over,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST.

It should come as no surprise, then, that dating stress is so common. In fact, a recent survey suggests that about half of people say that asking someone out, talking about the future, or waiting for a text back from someone they’re dating causes anxiety. More than one-quarter said that waiting for a match also made them anxious.

Simply being on a dating app like Tinder can even be associated with mental health struggles. Research suggests that people who use these types of dating apps have 2.5 times higher odds of having psychological distress and twice the odds of being depressed, per BMC Psychology in 2020.

Online dating is also more popular among people with anxiety. That may be because “online dating takes away the fear of having to be in-person with someone where it may feel like you are “stuck” and may have awkward times that cause anxiety, whereas online you can just hang up and “escape”,” says Ibrahim.

That’s all to say that if you’re finding that Tinder is a source of distress, you’re not alone. But those feelings—however common—shouldn’t be brushed aside, and they don’t have to impact your dating experience moving forward. You can learn to overcome the overthinking that’s overtaking your life.

When is overthinking about online dating a problem?

It’s normal to get a little nervous about how you’re getting along with your match, but that worry shouldn’t get in the way of your life. The average person on online dating “will think a lot about a specific conversation—and they may also talk to a friend about it—but they’re also able to move on with the rest of their day and get the things done that they want to do,” Kilduff explains.

For people with mental health conditions, though, overthinking can snowball into rumination. Rumination involves thinking way too much into questions that aren’t solvable, trying to soothe anxiety by seeking certainty that’s impossible to find. How do you tell the difference between this and productive thinking? Zinman-Ibrahim explains that “thinking is only productive if there’s an attainable goal, and the goal is something that makes sense, like safety. Anything else is just extra, and that’s where rumination begins.” 

Could overthinking online dating be a mental health issue?

While some degree of overthinking is normal, it can be related to mental health conditions if it brings a lot of distress and interferes with your daily functioning. “Rumination and overthinking can show up in different disorders for different purposes,” says Kilduff. When it comes to online dating specifically, a few examples include social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and OCD.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is exactly what it sounds like. It’s an intense fear of being judged by other people, and it can turn social situations into a nightmare. This can be particularly true for dating and relationships, which can trigger anxiety even in people without the disorder.

If you have social anxiety, “you might go back and try to evaluate what you said and whether it was the right thing,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “You might wonder if other people received what you said the way you meant it to be said, and try to evaluate what other people meant by what they were saying or their actions.”

Generalized Anxiety

People with generalized anxiety disorder feel anxious about many areas of life. While the specific sources of anxiety may vary from person to person, anxieties about dating and relationships are common. 

“If someone has GAD that targets relationships, they may try in vain to evaluate whether it’s the right relationship or going to work out, but they never really feel comfortable or confident,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.

OCD

The hallmark symptoms of OCD are obsessions (intrusive thoughts, worries, or feelings) and compulsions (mental or physical acts done to feel better or more secure). OCD can latch onto pretty much anything. This can include online dating, especially if you have relationship OCD—a common subtype of OCD focused on obsessive doubt and worry about relationships. 

Rumination—a more technical term for overthinking—is a very common compulsion in OCD that tends to spiral from an intrusive thought (such as a “what if” scenario that pops into your brain while messaging a Tinder match). OCD rumination either involves analyzing something that happened in the past or thinking ahead to the future to try to figure something out before it happens. It makes you interpret daily events or conversations in a negative light, and can create a cycle of distressing thought patterns that are tough to untangle. 

Rumination can lead to reassurance-seeking, another common compulsion. You might reach out to multiple friends, sending screenshots of your conversation to try to analyze what your match said to you. You might also try to research their responses online. “This comes from a need to get rid of anxiety and distress quickly. Someone is seeking reassurance and certainty in OCD or trying to prevent something bad from happening,” says Kilduff.

What’s going on has little to do with your match or potential date, and everything to do with how OCD is telling you to act. And when OCD is in the driver’s seat, it can be difficult to think about anything else, becoming a major source of disruption in your daily life. 

How to develop healthy online dating habits (from experts)

“Something that we naturally do when starting to date someone is that we obsess about them more. It’s part of socialization and relationships as humans. You’re already prone to asking questions like what they think or if they like you—but add mental illness on top of that and it takes these concerns to a whole other level,” Kilduff says. 

This is when you need to pull the reins and think rationally (no matter how hard it is). Has your match not messaged you back in a few hours? Maybe they’re at work, their phone died, or they’re asleep.

That said, it may be best to minimize Tinder conversations altogether. “To me, you should only text long enough to decide if you want a video call, and that shouldn’t be very long. If you’re not inclined to do a video call, stop texting,” suggests Zinman-Ibrahim, who explains that you should do video calls so you can create a connection without too much investment, and to know you’re not being catfished. “If you’re inclined for a video call, do a video call, or two or three, or however many it takes for you to then go ‘Well, now I feel inclined to meet you in person.’”

In any case, many matches will stall—and that’s okay. The key is to practice acceptance. If your match doesn’t turn out to be someone who is interested in you, you will still be okay. “Even if it feels difficult or painful, you’re still here,” says Kilduff.

Switching your outlook is helpful, too: Instead of it being a bad sign that they didn’t message you back, center your own needs and wants in a relationship. Do you want someone who doesn’t communicate well? Absolutely not. Focusing on creating genuine connections and opening up honest lines of communication is important for any dating scenario, and it applies to Tinder matches, too. 

How to manage anxiety and overthinking about online dating

If overthinking Tinder conversations is associated with a mental health condition, exposure and response prevention (ERP) is a type of therapy that’s been proven to be highly effective in treating anxiety disorders and OCD. 

During ERP therapy, your therapist will guide you to carefully trigger your worries, doubts, or uncertainties in a controlled setting, and you learn to respond to your anxiety differently, without overthinking or ruminating. With practice, this will help you let go of the urge to ruminate and accept uncertainty and doubt. 

“ERP at its core is a way to practice sitting with uncertainty and discomfort and learning to practice acceptance of things that you don’t control,” Kilduff says. “The therapy helps people understand that the things they fear may or may not happen, and they’re encouraged to sit with that uncertainty rather than constantly ruminating and overthinking.”

This is why ERP strategies can be so helpful for overthinking. Online dating is filled with uncertainty—there are no concrete answers, and if you search for them, you’ll be looking forever. That’s a major source of overthinking, and the best way to stop it is to learn to live with uncertainty.

All in all, we’ll never be totally sure whether any individual match is “the one.” The good news is that instead of feeling trapped in a dating life filled with anxiety, we can learn to thrive in this vulnerable, uncertain area of our lives.