I’m afraid of confrontation. How can I get more confident?

It’s late. You’re on the subway, and overhear a passenger yelling at another traveler—barbs that you find appalling. But you look away, even as the terrified recipient of the tirade looks around, hoping for someone to help. When the train pulls into the next station, you quickly hop off, even though you’re several stops from your destination. The train pulls away, and as you finally lock eyes with the victim, you cringe at the glaring chasm between your actions and values.   

“Why didn’t I say something, do something?” you ask yourself during your long wait for the next train. It doesn’t take much soul-searching before you identify an issue you’ve dealt with for years: You’re afraid of confrontation. This uncomfortable truth has shown up in the past with friends, family members, colleagues, romantic partners, and in this case, a random incident with strangers. You feel guilty, helpless, frustrated. Your self-esteem is hit hard. 

Sound familiar? Hey, many of us fear confrontation and make some pretty consequential compromises because of it—ending up stuck in lives that aren’t in step with who we are. One 2022 study published in the journal Scientific Reports looked at people’s comfort level with situations that could potentially be advantageous to them, but involved direct confrontation or competition. The research found that the fear of conflict can subtly shape our choices, with significant implications for our professional and personal lives. 

But it’s a fear that can be overcome, says Nicholas Farrell, PhD, Director of Clinical Development and Programming at NOCD. This is advice worth reading so you can learn to show up authentically for yourself. 

What does avoiding confrontation say about me?

The Five-Factor Model (FFM) is a widely accepted framework that psychologists and therapists use to describe human personality traits. One of these “big five” traits is agreeableness, which might sound like a good thing—and to a point, it is. For example, people who score high in agreeableness tend to be more cooperative and compassionate toward others. However, if you’re too much of a people pleaser, you can be susceptible to exploitation, and are more likely to neglect your personal goals, have difficulty asserting yourself, and avoid necessary conflict. What does necessary conflict mean? It’s when you can’t face situations where confrontation or disagreement is essential to resolving underlying issues, promoting growth, or facilitating positive change. 

“There’s good evidence that genetics can account for a lot of the variation in personality traits between people. But environmental factors, life experiences, and individual choices also play crucial roles in how you develop and express personality traits,” says Dr. Farrell. For example, if you grew up with parents who highly valued and reinforced conformity and pleasing others, it could lead to a heightened sense of agreeableness. Social and cultural influences that emphasize harmony and group cohesion over individual assertiveness might also contribute to developing an extremely agreeable personality. 

Our level of agreeableness—along with openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, and neuroticism—is considered relatively stable throughout our adult life. But it’s not entirely fixed and can change in response to life experiences, conscious efforts, and interventions. That’s good news if you’ve realized your fear of confrontation isn’t serving you. So, what’s the move?

How to overcome a fear of confrontation 

“Getting past your fear of confrontation and becoming more assertive is a process that involves both mindset changes and practical strategies. Growing that confidence may take some time and practice, but your efforts could certainly move the needle,” says Dr. Farrell.   

Here are some practical things he says you can do to reduce your fear and gain the confidence to engage in necessary confrontation: 

Start small: Begin with low-risk situations where you can practice assertiveness. For example, you could express your opinion on a minor issue in a meeting, or ask a friend to return a borrowed item.

Prepare and rehearse: Plan what you want to say before entering a potentially confrontational situation. Rehearse it out loud or with a trusted person. This can help reduce anxiety and boost your confidence.

Listen actively: When you actively listen, you empathize with the other person’s perspective. This understanding can reduce the fear associated with confrontation because it humanizes the interaction and makes it feel less adversarial. Active listening also helps clarify the other person’s viewpoint, which can go a long way to preventing misunderstandings that could elevate confrontation.

Set boundaries: Knowing your limits and communicating them clearly makes interactions more predictable, reducing the anxiety of unknown outcomes.You can think of boundary setting as an act of self-respect. A declaration of your needs and values is empowering and makes confrontation less intimidating.

Learn to say no: Practice saying no in situations where you can’t or don’t want to comply. It’s a critical aspect of being assertive. If you’re asked to add another small task to your already-long list of work to-dos, for example, you can kindly but firmly say no and quickly explain why.

Build self-confidence: Spend time doing activities that make you feel confident and capable. This could include learning new skills, exercising, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. The more confident you feel, the easier it will be to assert yourself.

Can a fear of conflict be a symptom of something else? 

“I’ve worked with many people who are afraid of confrontation,” says Dr. Farrell. “While most didn’t have a diagnosable mental disorder, there are several conditions that are strongly associated with this fear.”

For instance, he says that anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and social anxiety disorder (SAD), are commonly linked to a fear of confrontation. People with these conditions might experience intense anxiety or worry in social situations, leading them to avoid potential confrontations.

Additionally, certain personality disorders, like Avoidant Personality Disorder, are characterized by feelings of inadequacy, sensitivity to criticism, and avoidance of social interaction, which can manifest as a fear of confrontation. People with depression may also try to skirt conflict, due to low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, or a lack of energy to engage in potentially stressful interactions. 

“Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)—which is another anxiety disorder—can also lead to a fear of confrontation, says Dr. Farrell. 

OCD is often thought of as extreme meticulousness, and while it can sometimes look like that, the reality is more nuanced. OCD is a serious mental health condition characterized by recurring, unwanted, intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that drive people to perform repetitive behaviors or mental rituals (compulsions). People with OCD perform these compulsions to alleviate the anxiety caused by their obsessions. This will actually work, but the relief is temporary, and only serves to strengthen the habit of obsession, anxiety, compulsion, and temporary relief known as the OCD cycle. Being trapped in this loop can take up hours a day, affect your relationships and your performance at work, and even increase the risk of developing other mental conditions, such as depression. 

“Let’s say someone with OCD has intrusive thoughts about saying something incredibly offensive in social situations. Even though they are exceedingly unlikely to act this way, they might fear that any slight misstep in conversation could lead to a major confrontation. As a result, the compulsion might be to repeatedly rehearse conversations, excessively apologize, or avoid social interactions altogether to prevent any potential conflict, even though these actions are not realistically necessary and can be disruptive to daily life,” explains Dr. Farrell. “This pattern reflects the OCD dynamic of an irrational fear leading to compulsive behaviors aimed at preventing the feared outcome.”

Fortunately, there’s an evidence-based approach for reducing OCD symptoms, regardless of the form they take. It’s a form of behavioral therapy called exposure and response prevention (ERP). “What ERP does is gently guide you toward confronting the very fears and thoughts that fuel your OCD in a controlled and safe environment,” says Dr. Farrell. 

What to know about exposure and response prevention (ERP)

ERP is the most successful treatment for OCD. Unlike traditional talk therapy, which can backfire and make OCD worse, ERP—which was developed specifically to treat OCD—is clinically proven to be highly effective in the majority of people.

Here’s how it works: A trained therapist who specializes in OCD will take the time to understand your symptoms and create a custom ERP therapy plan specifically for you. Then, you’ll work together to rank your fears or triggers based on how stressful they seem. To begin with, your therapist will typically prompt you to face a fear that brings on only a mild amount of distress. 

“In ERP, we focus on what is known as cost-based exposure, which is particularly useful if the main fear is the distress felt during the confrontation,” explains Dr. Farrell. “The goal is to encourage deliberate engagement in confrontation—not in a harmful way, but in a mild to moderate, everyday manner. The objective is to understand that as uncomfortable as confrontation can be, you can tolerate and manage it without needing to avoid it entirely.”

For example, you might go to a diner and have a bad meal. As part of the exercise, you’ll be asked to inform the waiter that you found the food unsatisfactory and refuse to pay for it. “Is that going to be uncomfortable? Yes. But it’s pretty low stakes and a good way to become more used to confrontation and increase confidence,” says Dr. Farrell.

During this process, the fear thoughts—like the idea that something terrible will happen when there’s conflict—will likely come up. But instead of responding with a compulsion, you’ll learn to tolerate the discomfort. By making this conscious choice and seeing that nothing bad happens, or realizing that you handled the discomfort better than you thought you could, your brain gets the message that there was nothing to fear in the first place.

As your therapy progresses, you’ll tackle triggers that elicit a bit more distress, to conquer bigger fears. With an ERP therapist guiding you, you’ll practice confronting your fears in your everyday life, too, instead of just in the controlled setting of therapy. 

Most of the time something amazing happens as a result of this therapy: You won’t be riddled with distress from intrusive thoughts, images, or urges. Your need to engage in compulsions goes away. And the things that matter the most to you won’t feel like they’re at risk of slipping away. In essence, you’ll get to live a life that’s free from the grip of OCD.

Working with an OCD specialist to address the thoughts and situations that cause you distress is more accessible than ever thanks to virtual ERP therapy. In fact, peer reviewed research shows live teletherapy sessions of ERP can be more effective, delivering results in less time than traditional outpatient ERP therapy, often in as little as 12 weeks. 

Want to begin your ERP therapist search? We encourage you to browse the NOCD Therapist Directory. Every NOCD therapist is not only specialized in ERP but trained to deliver treatment online. Choose your therapist and we do the rest, including helping with scheduling and payment. Of course, if NOCD Therapists aren’t the right fit, you can also explore the International OCD Foundation Therapist Directory.

If you or someone you know is grappling with OCD, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with the NOCD care team to learn more. This simple conversation could be your first step toward regaining control of your life from OCD.