Sometimes, attraction shows up in ways that feel completely unfamiliar – or even disturbing. You might suddenly question whether you’re attracted to someone of a different gender than your typical partners, someone older or younger, or even someone close to you. These experiences can be confusing, stressful, and sometimes guilt-inducing.
Fleeting thoughts of unusual attraction can happen to anyone. But when a person experiences persistent and intrusive thoughts, images, or anxieties, it can be a symptom of one of several subtypes of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), including relationship OCD, pedophilia OCD, incest OCD, or sexual orientation OCD.
How can I tell false attraction from genuine attraction?
The key difference lies in the emotional response to the attraction. Real attraction brings positive emotions like excitement, happiness, and desire. False attraction, by contrast, triggers anxiety, distress, or guilt.
Here’s a scenario to help illustrate the difference:
Rachel, a 23-year-old college student, has been dating her boyfriend David for six months. They have a great relationship and enjoy spending time together.
One day, Rachel meets a new guy in one of her classes named Alex. She is suddenly attracted to him and begins to experience intrusive thoughts about him. Rachel starts to worry what this means and becomes guilty and anxious about her feelings.
- Real attraction: Rachel feels excited and happy when thinking about Alex. She looks forward to seeing him and enjoys spending time together. While she feels guilty about her attraction – given her relationship with David – her overall emotional response to her feelings is positive.
- False attraction: Rachel feels overwhelmed and distressed by her thoughts about Alex. She obsesses over whether she’s betraying David, she worries incessantly, and she may even avoid situations where she could see Alex or engage in other compulsive behaviors to alleviate her anxiety and doubt.
It’s important to note that telling the difference between real and false feelings of attraction can be incredibly difficult – especially for someone with OCD. A trained therapist can help provide insight and guidance to identify false attraction.
Therapists who understand intrusive thoughts—and how to treat them
Why does false attraction occur?
OCD is complex, and researchers don’t fully understand why it develops. It likely arises from a combination of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors.
False attraction can happen when your brain notices something you like – maybe someone’s outfit, a new haircut, or a scent that catches your attention. For most people, these reactions are fleeting and commonplace. But someone with OCD may fixate on these responses, assigning meaning to them and spiraling into anxiety over “what this says about me.”
In an unfortunate twist, these fears are often our brain’s way of being overprotective of things that are important to us, like our identity or relationships. Since we value these things so highly, even a tiny bit of uncertainty about attraction can feel unmanageable. Learning to tolerate this uncertainty – rather than trying to eliminate it – can help reduce the distress and break the OCD cycle.
When is false attraction a sign of OCD?
It’s normal to sometimes notice attraction to someone or something that feels unusual. But when these thoughts become persistent, intrusive, and cause significant distress, they may be a sign of OCD.
OCD can only be diagnosed by a professional and generally involves:
- Experiencing intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, or images that cause distress;
- Performing compulsive behaviors or rituals to try to reduce that anxiety and;
- Noticing some level of impairment in social, emotional, and occupational functioning.
The symptoms shouldn’t be better explained by another condition, like an illness, injury, or substance use. When false attraction becomes an obsession – the “O” in OCD – it’s no longer just a fleeting thought. It may appear as an intrusive image, memory, or feeling that focuses on relationships or sexuality – and it drives compulsive behaviors, like assurance-seeking, mental reviewing, or avoidance, in an attempt to feel “certain” about your attraction.
Think you might have OCD?
| Common Obsessions Related to False Attraction | Potential Compulsions Done in Response to False Attraction |
| Fear that they want to cheat on their spouse | Seeking reassurance from friends or family (“You don’t think I’d ever cheat, do you?”) |
| Fear they’re attracted to someone of a different gender than their usual partners. | Researching or mentally analyzing what the attraction “means” |
| Fear they’re attracted to their pet | Avoiding the pet or situations where the thought might be triggered |
| Physical sensations of arousal around someone | Checking or monitoring their body for signs of arousal |
| Fears they’ve wasted their relationship because of an attraction to someone new | Rumination – replaying thoughts or memories to try to gain certainty |
How can I be sure my feelings of attraction aren’t real?
The short answer is that you can’t be certain – just as you can’t be certain about many parts of life or identity. What matters is not whether the attraction is real, but how you respond to it.
When attraction feels unwanted, the urge to analyze it – to determine whether it’s “real” or what it means – can become overwhelming. But trying to figure this out only fuels rumination and strengthens the OCD cycle.
Feelings are not truths. Feelings create doubt. Feelings are ever-changing. A feeling of false attraction could be here one minute and gone the next. False attraction is an opportunity to recognize the fear that comes up and decide how you want to react.
Learning to tolerate uncertainty – rather than resolving it – is a key part of breaking free from OCD. Fortunately, there are evidence-based treatments that help people do exactly that.
What’s the best way to manage false attraction in OCD?
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, delivered by a therapist trained in treating OCD, is the most effective treatment for false attraction and other OCD subtypes.
ERP works by helping you gradually face the thoughts, sensations, and situations that trigger your fears – without engaging in compulsions like checking, reassurance-seeking, or mental analysis. It has been empirically validated by decades of clinical research, and has been found to be effective in helping manage OCD symptoms long-term. Through ERP, you can break the cycle of OCD and find relief from your symptoms.
In therapy, you’ll work with your therapist to approach feared situations step by step, starting with those that cause mild discomfort and building toward more challenging ones.
Examples of ERP exercises for false attraction OCD might include:
- Writing and rereading a script about the feared possibility that the attraction is real.
- Spending time with someone who triggers attraction related doubt without mentally checking or seeking reassurance.
- Allowing attraction-related thoughts or sensations to be present without trying to analyze or neutralize them.
ERP teaches you how to tolerate doubt rather than eliminate it. You can’t be sure that your feelings of attraction aren’t real. They may be. But this doesn’t mean you have to act on them or that they have to dictate your life.
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You can start feeling better today
False attraction can be confusing and distressing – especially when it leads to constant rumination or self-doubt. If you’re caught in cycles of questioning your thoughts, feelings, or identity, you’re not alone.
When worries about attraction begin to interfere with the life or relationships you care about, support can make a real difference. A qualified specialist training in treating OCD can help you learn to respond differently to those fears and reduce their impact over time – even when the thoughts themselves feel especially unsettling.